b3ta.com user GeordieSteve
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» Putting the Fun in Funeral

Friend of mine hung himself
many years ago now. He was about 16 at the time. Very somber funeral, lot's of tears then off to the pub. After a couple of hours everyone had a good drink but the mood was still low with one girlie crying hysterically in the corner. The wake was shattered however with one of the lads bursting out of the toilet covered in bloody shouting "I JUST SLIPPED IN THE PISS". The family were devistated and the lad had to be rushed to hospital.
(Thu 11th May 2006, 11:14, More)

» Embarrassing Injuries

A little like the deap heat story
Me and the misses went out on the beer a while back. After we got back we had something to eat and "hit the rug". I done the honest thing and got down and chewed some rug. She was screaming and I thought I was a legend!... that was until she screamed "YOU'VE GOT PHAL ON YOUR FINGERS!!!!". Owch! Talk about bean curry!
(Thu 2nd Sep 2004, 12:17, More)

» Bullshit and Bullshitters

Wonky man
Years back I was an IT guy for an insurance company call centre. We got all sorts of weirdos through the door, including the following...
This guy had one leg and one stump at the knee and had a fake in it's place. He also had one arm (born that way). He was always lying about all sorts of things, but this day he was in the dining area telling everyone how he was an MMA fighter outside of work. He was telling stories about how he kicked someone clean out only the night before. "SHOW US A KICK" shouted one of the 80+ people in the canteen. He agreed, kicking his leg which promptly flew off down the kitchen and he fell flat on his face. The place went silent until he couldn't get up (due to lack of arm/leg) and said "erm... could someone help me please"
(Fri 14th Jan 2011, 19:18, More)

» Foot in Mouth Syndrome

At work
we had a lady accountant for 3 days... she then (for whatever reason) tried to kill herself with an overdose. When work found out, myself and one of the female staff went to collect her and take her to the hospital (the company was concerned about her).

On the way to the hospital, with the lady in the back, a bloke opened his car door in front of me and jumped out into my path... "ARE YOU BLOODY SUICIDAL" I shouted... before cringing and wanting to curl up into a ball.

She never came back to work
(Tue 20th Apr 2004, 22:48, More)

» Pathological Liars

oooook a long one
I work for a company who deal with car insurance claims. We had a guy work in the call centre who had one normal, one very short arm (half a thalidomide if you like!). He also walked with a limp... that later turned out to be because he also had two false legs. Now on the face of things this doesn't sound like the funniest of stories... more of one of great sorry... however it get's rather amusing!

This guy lied about everything you could possibly think of... he claimed to be a race driver, a member of mensa... you name it! The final straw came when he told everyone around the company pool table that he was training to be a UFC fighter. Clearly this was something we needed to persue and find out more about! He claimed to have kicked someone so hard in the head he knocked them CLEAN OUT unconscious. So amazed by his claim we asked him to demonstrate said kick... which he did... and his leg came off... right accross the busy dining room... in front of around 80 staff... then lost ballance and fell on his face.

Horrible horrible turn of events obviously and I'd be hellbound if I dare titter never mind post it on a busy forum somewhere.
(Thu 29th Nov 2007, 20:26, More)
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