b3ta.com user weirzbowski
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» Weddings

Kilts are great. They make us Scots look sexy and distinguished. Just don't go 'true scotsman' then get drunk and slip on the dancefloor (dress shoes = no grip) and land with your kilt over head. Exposing your Gaelic treasures to all and sundry. While dancing with your mum. Illiciting a comedic response from the band. Never, never, never do that. Especially, I say especially, when the local news crews are filming the entire thing.
Worst part is, somebody else gave the tape to 'you've been framed' and pocketed the cash. The fucks.
(Thu 14th Jul 2005, 19:32, More)

» My sex misconceptions

As a four-year-old I once went up to my Ma and asked:
"Ma, do babies come from eggs?"
"Yes, sort of..." She replied.
I promptly burst into tears and started pointing at my crotch.
"Oh no!" I said "I think I have twins down here!"

Later on, when I was probably around nine or ten, having seen one particularly misleading scene on TV late at night, I somehow got it into my head that to make a girl pregnant you had to piss up her arse. Then I thought I had got myself pregnant by splashback from the toilet.
(Mon 29th Sep 2008, 21:52, More)

» Foot in Mouth Syndrome

look i'm not gay!
Last night I was out in a club, quite pissed. On an excursion to the toilet, I was standing at a urinal, when the gent beside me quite jovially asked me: "having a good evening?"
To which I answered: "Sure am, baby."
Not mate, or dude, or pal, or even buddy, squire, friend or chum. Baby. It just slipped out, as I had just been talking to a female friend of mine who I habitually shower with pet names...
I'll never forget the look on his face...
(Wed 21st Apr 2004, 20:20, More)

» Bastard Colleagues

Biscuit factory
Two of my colleagues at the biscuit factory killed an asylum seeker with a machete. I worked with two actual proper murderers.

That bastardly enough for you?
(Fri 25th Jan 2008, 13:02, More)

» Personal Ads

This used to be blurb that came up alongside my picture on hotornot.com...

"Misanthropic student journalist, 21 years old, drunk (alternating between states of existential terror + despair and resentment-heavy rage), seeks female with a shred of decency left in her black, black soul."
(Thu 13th Sep 2007, 19:40, More)
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