b3ta.com user drydo
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Programmer geek

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Admittedly the text is copyright from Jane Erye

(Fri 14th Nov 2003, 14:58, More)

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» Shoddy Presents

Quite bizarre was our mad nan
I got a clacking machine gun - with some kind of red plastic thing on the end that sparked. My sister got a tea set.

Oh yes - I was 27, she was 25. Nan was fucked - big time.
(Fri 24th Sep 2004, 0:35, More)

» My Wanking Disasters

During my very disjointed career....
....I worked as a Police Officer (until the smell of pork and corruption became too much to bear - haha). Anyway, back to the point. Working as a Copper (and especially on night-shifts) opens up new avenues such as catching shaggers.

Basically, between the hours 9.00pm and 3.00am those little dark car parks, shady alleys and smoky lanes were crammed with people having it away in their own cars. Now being a kind hearted soul, you could slowly creep the car right up to the offending car; slam on the blues and twos and watch the resulting actions (usually the bloke shooting his bolt, female screaming thinking she was with a murderer, etc). To a cut a long story short - this became a bit of a game with everyone on the shift.

This one night (actually around 8.30pm) with the dusk just settling we noticed a motor parked up in a 'typical' haunt of the shaggers with one occupant (seemingly) and decided to investigate. Dropping the motor into neutral we gently approached the motor and put on the lights and sirens. However, the occupant in the driving seat simply stayed put - so I got out to investigate and saw that the driver was on his own tossing himself off. What makes the story more interesting is that fact he was my neighbour, more strangely was that our houses were about 100 yards away and more disturbing was the fact he was tossing off over a Computer Magazine (the page was on CD-Burners for some reason).

Of course, this added a new dimenion to the phrase "the Wanker next door" especially when he had his girlfriend or family visiting.
(Wed 2nd Jun 2004, 17:08, More)

» Have you ever started a fire?

Dyson didn't see that one coming
Some people spend ages cleaning and looking after their first car's with a pride that they wouldn't exhibit for any other durable - me, I'm a slob and would personally rather buy a new car than clean out my existing one. Anyhoo, at 19 I wasn't rich and couldn't take that route so after several complaints about the state of the motor (e.g. all the footwells were piled high with empty cigarette packets) I decided that it needed a spring clean.

Whilst cleaning out the motor and checking the rubbish for any worth keeping I had one of those life changing moments - I found a spare fag hidden in a discarded packet - hurrah! So I after visiting marlboro country I put out the fag and got my mum's brand new Dyson and started hoovering out the car. During this act, I hoovered out he ash tray, which unbenown to me, still contained the lit dogend. The Dyson efficiently sucked the dogend up and I continued to beaver away.

Almost finished I noticed a strong burning smell - turning around I saw the Dyson consumed in some quite specutalur flames reaching about 15 foot high. Basically, one half lit fag end + a load of combustible fluff + vast amounts of injected air inside a contained atmosphere is a really good place for a fire to have a load of fun. Anyway, Mummy wasn't happy with her now severely melted Dyson and I wasn't particularly chuffed about half the paint that had been stripped away on one side of my Nova. Ironically, a car valetter would have cost £10 rather than £200 for a new hoover and two weekends sorting out the paintwork.
(Wed 3rd Mar 2004, 12:02, More)

» Irrational Fears

Scottish Man Frog Horror Shocker
Actually, this isn't about me but one of my sister's numerous boyfriends - Mark. A nice guy, one of the lads and whilst being Scottish - you really couldn't hold that against him.

However, this bloke had an irrational fear of frogs (the amphibians rather than the garlic munchers) that simply could not be explained. I found this out one day when I went round to help out cleaning this kind of ditch / pond thing at the bottom of their garden. About a plunge the spade into festering depths of this ditch - a little frog jumped into the spot where the spade was about to land and I duly picked up the little fella. I walked over to Mark to show him my little find when all of a sudden he let out a blood curdling scream and ran into the house screaming 'that fucker's got teeth'

The frog and myself shared a WTF look at each other before going off in our different directions.

Basically, he believe(s)(d) that frogs have teeth and are potential man-eaters - or more specifically they are all after him. (You're thinking I'm making this up - aren't you? Trust me - this is real). As a joke one day (as you do) I bought a reasonably realistic plastic frog and left it in the lounge one day and forgot about it - my sister came home to find Mark in a right state (apparently he was hyper-ventilating). Even frogs on telly would cause him to leave the room.

Just thought I'll share that - Drydo
(Wed 28th Jan 2004, 15:35, More)

» Celebrities part II

I was nine we went to Central Television for a visit to the studios by a friend of my mum's. We got the whole tour and saw 'The Price is Right' set, that show where Nicky Campbell plied his trade with angry, shouty people, and the bit we were looking forward to, Emu's World with Rod Hull.

Asked to be quiet during rehearsals we saw the entire cast going through the motions until some guy asked us to leave. On the way out I tripped over one of the stage lights bringing it crashing down, bearly missing Grotbags herself. She looked daggers at me declaring to someone important that she couldn't work with 'f%@king kids' breaking stuff - I almost pissed myself I was so frightened.
(Fri 9th Oct 2009, 16:50, More)
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