b3ta.com user juicer
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» When I met the parents

Ever seen that film, Aberdeen? That could've been my Dad. He was an alcoholic ex-sailor who lived alone and had frequent relapses. One of the first times he met my then-partner, he had a black eye from falling over drunk and was sick all weekend from the hangover...

The last time he visited England was when he came over with me and that same partner several years ago. The journey itself was horrendous, we spent 24 hours on a boat and then drove 5 hours in a car on the "wrong" side of the road. Dad relapsed the minute we left the harbour and drank heavily all the way there. When we finally arrived at my sister's house, he greeted my mother (who'd divorced him about 14 years previously and barely seen him since) thus: "I'm pissed".

Meeting my brother-in-law for the first time shortly after this, he came out with this little gem: "I was unfaithful in 1973". News to us, I can tell you.

Brother-in-law deserves a medal for not running away screaming...
(Sun 22nd May 2005, 20:31, More)

» Weddings

The Drunken Uncles
My cousin got married into a posh family from Chesire, and the wedding was held in their posh Chesire village. Imagine how good this looked to the posh guests: my family turned up at the church in a rented coach.

The ceremony was very nice and fancy, our side of the church (the poor side) getting glared at for giggling during "All things bright and beautful" (well they kept the purple-headed mountains verse in, what did they expect?). While the bride and groom were out signing the register, one guest got up and sang Ave Maria, really well too. Not knowing if applause was acceptable in church, we just kept quiet when he finished. Except for my Australian Uncle who blurted out into the fabulous acoustics of the church: "Good on yer, mate!"

It wasn't too bad so far. We all piled back on the coach and followed the BMWs and Mercedes to the reception. The bride and groom went the long way round by horse-drawn carriage. It took them almost 2 hours and there was an open bar until they arrived. We barely noticed that they'd arrived, we were sat at the table closest to the bar with about 40 full pints on it, my uncles fetching as much as they could carry before they had to start paying.

I can barely remember the wedding breakfast, let alone the reception, but I do remember someone throwing up on the coach on the way home. Classy, eh?
(Fri 15th Jul 2005, 21:25, More)

» How I Skive Off Work

librarian work ethic
I got to work 2 hours ago, 20 minutes late, I've done my taxes, paid some bills, had a cuppa and a buttie and made arrangements to go shopping after work. That's it till lunchtime. This is the most active I've been for about a month.

To make it look like I'm doing something useful, I'm updating 17000 records in the database. Not manually obviously, but it takes a while and I can't possibly do anything else in the meantime. Oh, but because I've been reading this and not concentrating, I've just realised that I've done it wrong and will have to undo what I did and do it all again. So that's the afternoon sorted.
(Mon 2nd May 2005, 10:18, More)

» Weddings

another one
I was a bridesmaid at my sister's wedding. Have rarely been so well-dressed or well-behaved in my entire life. We're from the Wirral and her husband is an Essex boy, so the ushers were placing people in the church by asking "North or South?" instead of "Bride or Groom?"

Had a great time at the reception, being a bridesmaid meant I kept getting bought drinks. The dancefloor was packed and trying to get back to my table, I managed to spill a full pint of Boddingtons into the lap of a woman that I didn't know. Funny how people take offence at being soaked with the cream of Manchester...
(Fri 15th Jul 2005, 21:31, More)

» Weddings

six feet under
My uncle got married to a woman who ran a crematorium and lived next door to it. The reception was held at their house and she gave us a guided tour of the place. I now know far too much about what goes on there...
(Mon 18th Jul 2005, 11:51, More)
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