b3ta.com user jeligula
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Saving the world one pint at a time.

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» Well, that taught 'em

Crap housemate
A few months ago, my worthless, piece-of-crap housemate moved out. He did not give me back the keys and was using them at lunchtime to come in and help himself to the contents of my refrigerator. He was also stealing my newspaper in the morning when he drove by on his way to the gym, whilst I was still snug and cozy in bed. He broke a window moving out and did not even clean up the glass, much less pay for it and he still owes me money on the back rent and utilities. The first thing I did was pay the paperboy $20 to place 3 mousetraps side by side in my paper box on top of the newspaper. The traps were sprung and broken up under the paper box when I got home from work that evening. My initial plan was to insert some fake news pages (I work at the newspaper) accusing him of all sorts of disgusting things, but the mouse traps were much better seeing as how they are made to control vermin. The next thing I did was run house current to the doorknob and powered it up before I left for work in the morning. Upon returning home, there was skin adhered to the knob and the key was welded into the lock. One way or another, I was determined to get the key back from that bastard. And I did. A Pyrrhic victory is still a victory and he hasn’t bothered me since. Now for an evil plan to get my money out of him.
(Fri 27th Apr 2007, 18:32, More)

» Iffy crushes

Missed opportunity
When I was in the 11th grade, there was this German foreign exchange student named Wilkie that I thought was amazingly beautiful. She was divine in every respect. I pined over her and wished to spend time with her but could not bring myself to talk to her for fear of rejection. What would she want with a guy like me? That year was pure torment and the amazing grace and beauty that was Wilkie went back to Germany after that year was over. Fast forward 6 years. I had attended art school and did a tour in the Marine Corps and then returned to my home town to live with a girl I knew back then. After a period of time, I learned that her family was the host for Wilkie back in high school. As Wilkie's visage still haunts me to this day, I had to admit to my girlfriend that I had a crush on Wilkie back then. She then told me that she was reluctant to talk about it for obvious reasons, but Wilkie could never shut up about this guy she saw in school. Wilkie talked about me all the time but couldn't bring herself to reveal her feelings for me for the same reasons that I could not talk to her. Fortunately, I was young enough at the time to learn this lesson and have since applied it to my life. She doesn't know it, but Wilkie gave me a legacy of manhood that is more precious than diamonds or a lipstick ring. We never said a word to each other, but I will always remember that fear of rejection is no reason not to try.
(Sat 8th Oct 2011, 3:16, More)

» Meeting people from the internet

Horrid. Just bad.
I "met" a really cool chick in a Yahoo! game room. Played this game in tourneys with her and others for a year and IM'd with her back and forth during that time and talked on the phone quite a bit. She posted a photo, and yes, she was hot. On Christmas, she texted my phone and told me she loved me. I felt the same way. On my birthday in April, she had purchased me a round trip plane ticket to her home in Oklahoma. I live in Idaho and we were going to drive from Oklahoma to her birthplace in the Cajun swamps of Louisiana to attend a very large Cajun festival. When I got there, she was over 200 pounds larger than her photo. She was the same person, but the photo was taken when she was 18. When we stepped through the door of her house, I almost spewed the contents of my stomach all over her floor. The stench was ungodly. I had never smelled anything like that in my life and am still not sure what the hell it was. We didn't go to Louisiana and I spent a miserable week at her place wishing that I could just spontaneously cease to exist. The lies she told me were whoppers, too. Even though she was a very large person, I had never met a smaller person in my entire life. Her online personality and her real personality were two entirely different things. The only saving grace was that I only spent $4 of my own money for the entire trip. I had never been so far out of my comfort zone in my life, and I am known not to care about that too much. I had never been happier to get home in my entire life, and that includes summer camp when I was 10 years old and combat in Kuwait.
(Sat 22nd Oct 2011, 4:32, More)

» The Naughty Step

I was a United States Marine
There isn't enough space on the internet. Enough said.
(Sat 9th Feb 2013, 2:52, More)