b3ta.com user kingofpork
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» Putting the Fun in Funeral

A few years ago my grandmother died at the ripe old age of 87. She had 6 children and most of them went on to have quite a few of their own, so the number of extended family (not to mention friends) coming was really quite large. So, the funeral was planned as a two-part affair - a smaller service at the crematorium, followed by a big memorial service that everyone could come to the following afternoon.

So the closer friends and family gathered for the cremation, and it was a suitably sad and touching affair. We watched her coffin disappear behind the curtain, but little did we know that granny still had one trick up her sleeve.

The following morning everyone gathered for the memorial service, when the aunt who had been arranging the funeral got a rather frantic phone call from the funeral director. You see, when the deceased disappears behind the curtain at a cremation, they don't go straight in the furnace - they're stored in the back and all the bodies are cremated at the end of the day.

And at some point the previous evening while they were getting ready to do the actual cremation, the crematorium had caught fire and burned down. The director inquired if we still wanted to go ahead with the memorial - and of course we did. Granny had always had quite a finely developed sense of irony, and this certainly lightened the whole mood. And we got the whole thing for free in the end too thanks to the mishap.
(Thu 11th May 2006, 14:07, More)

» Child Labour

everyone loves creosote
When I was about 12 (so about 1997 or so), my parents were painting all the fences in our rather large garden with some foul brown creosote-based fence-protecting paint. It smelled horrible, got all over you and generally wasn't something I wanted anything to do with.

One day they decided they wanted my help and offered me the princely sum of 50p an hour. There wasn't a chance in hell I was going to do it for that, and bet that I could make more money wandering around in town looking for change on the ground.

I returned an hour or so later having successfully found £1.04 on the ground. No further offers of creosote-based fence painting work were sent my way that year.
(Sat 18th Feb 2006, 20:24, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

don't ask why they're all there.
There are four blokes in a prison cell together: a zoophile, a sadist, a necrophiliac and an extreme sports enthusiast.

The zoophile sighs and says, "You know, if there was a cat here I'd fuck it til I pass out."
The sadist nods, and sighs, "And once you were done with it, i'd torture it until it died."
The necrophiliac leans in and agrees, "Oh yeah, and once it was dead I'd fuck it til I passed out too."
The extreme sports enthusiast, sitting in the corner, very softly says "miaow."
(Fri 27th Jan 2006, 17:05, More)

» School fights

how satisfying it was
We were standing outside in a P.E. class and the teacher was telling us what unpleasant activity we would have inflicted on us this week.

A chavvy prick called Chris was standing behind me and, whenever the teacher was looking our way, he'd subtly but painfully jab me in the kidney. Of course, given that the teacher was looking he knew there was nothing I could do to retaliate.

But of course, the teacher eventually looked the other way. At which point I turned around and blasted my fist at maximum velocity into his nut-sack.
(Fri 10th Mar 2006, 15:49, More)

» Losing Your Virginity

I lost mine after I posted the fifteenth "witty" response to this question pretending to be involved with Michael Jackson. The guy in my profile hunted me down.
(Thu 10th Mar 2005, 20:31, More)
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