b3ta.com user kingoffools
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Profile for kingoffools:
Profile Info:


Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» Weddings

a couple of friends
At the last wedding they were invited to my friends Todd and Ryan managed to light one of the bridesmaids on fire. To their credit, they did put her out pretty quickly - at least they didn't try to do it by throwing alcohol.
(Thu 14th Jul 2005, 21:24, More)

» When I met the parents

Henry the Basset Hound
A few years back, my girlfriend at the time brought her parents to my mother's house for dinner and their first opportunity to meet one another. Dinner went fairly well, and then...

As they were getting ready to leave, my mother's Basset Hound (Henry) started acting crazy, so I stepped on his leash to keep him under control. However, in the process of saying our farewells, my foot somehow slipped off the leash and Henry shot through the air like a rocket, straight into my (ex) girlfriend's father's crotch. I, of course, thought this was one of the funniest moments of my life, and I laughed so hard I fell over and couldn't breath (you really have to picture a Basset Hound flying through the air with all four feet off the ground, in slow-motion, with ears streaming out behind, straight into someone crotch to appreciate it).

They didn't find it quite as funny and left as soon as her father recovered. Our relationship was never really the same after that and we eventually broke up because I "never took anything seriously."
(Thu 19th May 2005, 21:58, More)

» That's when I knew it was over...

Need to add some humour
I knew it was going to end when I was willing to tell her that giving me a b1owjob would cure her hangover.

"Really?" she asked.
"Yeah, I read it on b3ta."

Short while later:
"It's not working."
"You're not trying hard enough. I'm beginning to feel much better, though."
(Thu 21st Jul 2005, 19:00, More)

» Crazy Relatives

tip of the iceberg:
1. My second cousin has been "away" since he was about twenty because he tried to kill several members of his family with an axe. They had to lock him in the basement - he almost got through the door before the mental health people could come get him.

2. During an argument with my mother about a year ago, my sister got in her car and repeatedly backed it into the neighbor's car until it was totally smashed and then drove away. I've heard that when she gets upset she repeatedly hits herself in the head and yells, "I'm so stupid!" The craziest part: she refuses to seek professional help and thinks that holistic remedies like fish oil will keep the crazy away.
(Thu 5th Jul 2007, 20:29, More)

» Weddings

it tolls for thee
A few years back, one of my sisters got married in rural NC and I was slated to give her away at the ceremony.

At the rehearsal dinner the night before I downed about 5 pints of beer, a full fifth of Jack Daniels and smoked a couple of cigars.

The most memorable event from the evening (at least for everyone else) occurred after the dinner. My family went to the church at 2 am to decorate it for the big day. When we got there, I ran into the church and grabbed hold of the bellringer's rope and swung myself across the church like Tarzan, thereby ringing the bell and waking up the entire town. My family managed to get me down, took me back to the hotel and put me to bed.

The next morning it was unbelievably hot in the church, and I was sweating beer and Jack profusely. As I stood at the front of the church ready to give my sister away, I was struck with the strong urge to "spill my guts" all over the church. I stood there holding it in until finally I passed out while still standing. Apparently, as I stood there, I started kicking one of my legs like a bull getting ready to charge (my body trying to keep itself upright while my mind was elsewhere) and then my other brother-in-law yelled "he's going down" and ran to the front of the church and caught me just as I collapsed all over the wedding party. No barf though, because I'm an awesome little brother.
(Thu 14th Jul 2005, 21:11, More)
[read all their answers]