» Heckles

I believe
it was Lee Mack, who asked the crowd to guess what his career had been before he started doing stand up. The usual replies of milkman, accountant etc. until a lone voice shouts out "Comedian!" Mack stops the show, looks stunned and proceeds to give the guy credit for such a good heckle, that he really had no comeback, sharp wit and so on, all the while taking his shirt off and walking towards the back of the stage. He turns round to reveal the Tshirt he was wearing underneath, bearing the slogan 'one wanker always says comedian'

I also had a bash at heckling and he compared me to a member of Hanson - I think we came out of that about even to be honest.
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 17:14, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

One I made up...
What's the worst thing about your your mum getting murdered on your 18th birthday?

Being tried as an adult.
(Wed 7th Dec 2005, 14:40, More)

» Pet Stories

I've always been
a 'cat person'. Not that I've anything against dogs or any other pets - just my family has always had cats and I've become rather used to their company. Now telling all the stories would take forever, so I won't recount in full the tale of Rufus who i taught to open doors, or of Nutmeg who managed to pull a pigeon bigger than her through the catflap and deposit it in the kitchen. Instead, I'll tell you about our current feline - Monty.

Now Monty is a ginger tom and he's been castrated; as such he's become something of a bloater (Seeing him superman through the catflap always amuses me) with a neurotic but soft as anything temperament. Unfortunately, he seemed to be at the back of the litter when brains were handed out - we've been treated to some truly spectacular displays of feline stupidity thanks to this old furball. My particular favourite being the day we got laminate flooring in our kitchen:

Now, Monty had gotten into the bad habit of jumping onto our kitchen counters and slapping us for food as we walked by. no matter how many times we shouted "NO!" or pushed him off, he didn't seem to be discouraged. Until I heard "skrrritch-scufflescufflescuffle-THUMP!" from the kitchen and headed downstairs to take a look. I was just in time to see our dopey mog attempting his usual leap to the kitchen counter. Unfortunately he hadn't accounted for the lack of traction 'twixt claws and laminate floor (We'd previously had carpet.) hence I see him coil up and pounce forward, but lose traction with his back legs upon takeoff (skrrritch) Monty still had enough bounce to make it towards the counter, but unfortunately lacked the necessary height so he wound up broadsiding it with his (not inconsiderable) gut and scrabbling for purchase with his front paws (scufflescufflescuffle) before falling straight on his arse (THUMP!) and walking off with the "Actually-I-meant-to-do-that-and-it's-just-coincidence-that-it-appeared-to-hurt" look.

Bless, wouldn't change him for the world :)
(Fri 8th Jun 2007, 18:00, More)

» What was I thinking?

I spent
many hours at teenage parties spurning the advances of various women because "You're too drunk and I'd hate you to do something you'd regret"

I somehow thought this would lead to a great deal of respect and admiration (And probably slightly less noble things) from the opposite sex. An investment, if you will.

I would have done better with Enron stocks...
(Thu 23rd Sep 2010, 22:22, More)

» Ouch!

Falling on yer bum
Falling on yer bum hurts. It hurts more if you manage to fall directly on your coccyx (sp?)

What I didn't know, is that it hurts even more if you fall in such a way as to trap your buttock muscle 'twixt ground and pelvis. Thought I was going to A) pass out or B) hurl.

Couldn't walk properly for a week and had a lovely baboon-blue hemibottom for about a month.
(Fri 30th Jul 2010, 10:00, More)