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Just say it. Slowly. got it? good. This doesn't work if your an American.

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» Best Comebacks

Come back
When i used to work in a school i spent my time permanatly surrounded by chavs and alike.

One joyus morning in the middle of a teaching session, the highly amusing "puff" was uttered under a cough. I carfuly put down what i was doing, turned, pointed at the lad in question and said "Shut up. Your mum still owes my dog fuck money."

It would have been quite good had his mother not been a school govenor and made a formal complaint about my conduct. Other choice remarks i heard made by members of staff included
"I hope you practice safe sex, 'cos i'd hate to have your DNA poluting the gene pool"
"Ha Ha. Very funny. Come back when your bollocks have dropped and i might take you seriously"
"You're a mavel to Physics... You're so dence I'm supprised light doesn't bend round you"
"Peodaphilia is too good for some of you"
(Thu 29th Apr 2004, 18:08, More)

» Impromptu Games You Play

"Punch a buggy"
A popular game amongst freinds at uni was "punch a buggy" that went somthing like this: Every time you saw a VW Beetle (bug), either on the street, on telly or where ever you got to shout "Punch a buggy" and hit the person next to you. Over time this developed to include:

Kick a campa-van
shove a smart car
Pinch a mini
slap your ass, mercadies A-class
squeeze your knee, 2CV

In addition to this there were bonuses: A five car trick, where you got to do all five things plus kicking the recipiant up the arse, if you saw any five of the cars on the same street.

There was also a version for a blind freind of our where he was aloud to slap a bus.
(Tue 30th Mar 2004, 11:58, More)

» Worst Record Ever

Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Poka Dot Bickini
by Timmy Mallet (etc.)

It was bought for me buy a "Freind"
(Tue 2nd Dec 2003, 17:33, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Three men are filling out a sex survay
They get to the last question which reads:

"When Masturbating, what do you hold in your other hand"

They all think hard, and the first writes "A photo of my wife, naked.", the second writes "A copy of Razzle" and the third guy writers "A sponge".

The analist is intregued by the third mans answer and phones him to ask why.

"Well," replies the man "I'm usualy bathing the kids at the time".
(Fri 10th Sep 2004, 12:45, More)

» Irrational Fears

When i was younger (about 3 or somthing)
I was subjected to a TV:AM or some such report about dangerous escilators. From that momnet on i have been terrified of escilators. Which was ok when i lived in Hull, becase escilators where one of those things you saw in the shopping centre and took the stairs insted. I now live in London and it's not very funny.

But even this is better than my mate Kate, who has an irational fear of dead fish, and live fish incase they die. This is a level of panic that hes lead to her having panic attacks after reading the word "salmon", and taking a detour of a mile to avoid fish mongers. In short this is a lady with deep rooted problems with aquatic animals.
(Thu 29th Jan 2004, 20:14, More)
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