b3ta.com user HomerJH
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» Shame

Having a wank
And then mum shouting to me (whilst i was in the bathroom alone, she wasnt with me!) on the vingear strokes............

..Cue mental image of mother as the pods of love empty themselves.

I couldnt look her in the eye for a good few days after that.
(Thu 24th Nov 2005, 18:00, More)

» Body Mods

body modification
copious amounts of beer to modify my shape to a barrel shape!
(Thu 30th Nov 2006, 23:14, More)

» Secret Santa

What to buy!
had the usual £5 limit, couldnt decide what to buy, and usual crap of tin of roses from Tescos, cheap wine, vibrator/etc didnt appeal.

So had a look around and ended up at www.oxfam.org.uk/, paid £1 more and donated £6 to buy 100 school dinners for some african school.

You receive a card which explains about it in an envelope, about CD size.

this is where the story comes in, i got a cardboard package that you use to send CD's in the post, stuck the envelope in that, sellotaped it up (badly) and stuck a badly cut out print of father christmas.

so it was small, looked shit, and i knew people were commenting on the shitty secret santa gift.

The MD had it, but he wasnt in, so it was unopened, but I explained to the secretary what it was, her face was a picture when she realised the shitty present she was expecting wasnt that!

also didnt have to trapse around the shops looking for it!
(Tue 26th Dec 2006, 20:51, More)

» My first experience of porn

Oh My!
old enough to ride a bike on the road and found some porn mags hidden in a ditch.

had a look, put them back and rode to a mates to tell him.

he wansnt interested so went back, but they were gone by then.

Or maybe it was the bird from 'round the twist' ;)

and then was once in school got given a page of 'porn', some large boobed redhead with the gash in full view. a few days later i wondered why my clothes had been washed but not my trousers.

then checked and folded up pic of redhead was in there....

and realisation, mother had checked pockets and found the picture.

but at least then she knew i wouldnt die of bad aids.....
(Thu 25th Jan 2007, 23:41, More)

» Road Rage

yay 2nd!
I avoid trouble if possible, but did swear once loudly at someone who stopped at a roundabout with no other cars nearby, and waited a bit too long. my words :

"for f**ks sake, there are no f**king cars coming"

the only issue i was in a convertible and the top was down, the chap shouted words back,sounded like :

"I know there are no cooking cars around",

I assumed he was looking for a catering van???
(Thu 12th Oct 2006, 21:39, More)
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