b3ta.com user FunnyOnion
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» My Worst Date

At the age of about 30
I had this girl round to my place.
Started cooking her dinner, sat down on sofa with a drink and a chat for a bit, went back to kitchen to check on cooking. Took the opportunity to fart while out of of ear and nose shot. Followed through. Big time. Dropped trouwsis so I could whip off soiled boxers. At this moment she skips through the door saying "mmm smells lovely! what is it?" to see me with poo filled dung hampers and trouwsis round my ankles.
Still shagged her though...
(Tue 26th Oct 2004, 13:34, More)

» Hidden Treasure

An Amphibian!
Living in the country, Im a small chap wombling about, and I found a TORTOISE! Alive and well. So I take him home and dad makes a run for him, I called him Ptolomey (posh eh?)kept him for years until he escaped. 6 weeks after the escape im out walking the dog and hear a rustling in undergrowth, its dear old Ptolerrs again! So I found him twice... He was the best tortoise ever and I loved him.. he eventually escaped for good.
(Thu 7th Jul 2005, 12:51, More)

» Dad Jokes

This is from 60s Radio sitcom "Round the Horne", Kenneth Williams and Hugh Paddick would do a sketch every week in which they were a couple of very camp homosexuals. This was when being gay was illegal remember. So they spoke in this gay slang called palari or polari or similar. "bona" means "good" as in "ooooh! Bona!".
So he prob did not mean Boner at all but as you are not familiar with 60s radio shows it probably zinged over your head.
Dads know this stuff its our job.
(Thu 11th Dec 2003, 13:12, More)

» Dad Jokes

Chip shop joke
We go in to the chip shop,
Dad: "Got any chips left?"
Chip shop girl: "Yes"
Dad: "Well you should not have cooked so many.."
then turns and makes as if he is about to walk out...
silly old sod. Cool dude though.
(Wed 10th Dec 2003, 15:21, More)

» Childhood bad taste

Imagine if you will...
Its summer 1973, I am 13. Favourite wardrobe from the top downwards:
A camo pattern sun hat.
Long girly hair.
Cheap "Aviator" mirror shades from the market, broken and repaired with a bit of wire.
Purple "BRUTUS" shirt with big round collars.
Acrylic tank-top with alternating bright yello, bright pink and black stripes.
Woolworths flared brushed cotton (not even denim) jeans with fat belt loops that fastened over the belt with pop fasteners.
A plastic belt in white and navy with TWO pin things in the buckle..
Flourescent lime green or pink socks.
Brothel creepers from Freeman Hardy and Willis in Aylesbury....

Wow, pretty cool in a retro way I hear you say.
In this extraordinary get up I used to wander about the fields where I lived (ie in middle of nowhere) wondering why farm workers were always laughing.

PS fave bands The Rubettes and Showaddywaddy.
(Tue 14th Dec 2004, 11:38, More)
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