» Look! It's me in the Local Paper

The Free classified Ads game
My local East Anglia AdTrader has carried a few of my adverts;

-Amazing bicycle! 7 wheeled machine with tyres from a John Deer tractor.
Requires five riders. Featured in Look East and competes under the name "Big Jordan" Must be ridden to be believed.

-Used and slightly soiled wedding dress, post box red pvc with see-through floral detail, would stretch to fit sizes 12-18 depending on occasion

-Champion Racing Pigeons. Two enthusiastic but inseparable male birds. Race under the names Rascal Big Beak the 3rd and Captain Coo Coo-ee. Good race success, but questionable breeding potential, hence price.

Their filth filter is quite challenging. But when you win, your Ad appears in print. Great game.
(Thu 10th Feb 2005, 12:16, More)

» Spoilt Brats

Brat on the bus
A girl in her late teens got onto the bus with a 4 or 5 year old girl. As they walk past I was confused, it looked like a teenage mum, but the girl was very well dressed. When they spoke it was clear this was East European aupair looking after an upper middle class English brat.

The brat spent five minutes trying to annoy the young aupair before demanding that she recall a dream she had mentioned. So the aupair, sounding quite happy, began to recall the previous nights dream in a sweet slavic accent;

"In my dream I am travelling back to my country to see all of my family. I am very happy because I've not seen them for so long. Our village looks beautiful and I can see my parents house. My brother is there and my mother, and..."

"NO!" the brat screams, "not that one. Tell the dream where _I'm_ a princess and I live in a castle"

The poor aupair, sounding slightly choked, then begins the Princess story, probably for the fourth time that day.
(Fri 10th Oct 2008, 18:54, More)

» Shit Stories

Train turd bomb
Our village has an old fashioned level crossing with gates and a station master. On their way home from school, my little brother and friends would take turns to fill up the toilet with their dirty mess.
Someone would be looking out the window and shout NOW as the train entered the station and passed over the level crossing. Kilos of turd would be dropped from the full bowl, covering the level crossing.
Commuters would have to dodge the turds, cars would spread it all over the road, then the station master would have to scrape it up with his special spade. This happened almost daily.
(Thu 6th May 2004, 13:09, More)

» Misunderstood

The Matrix - Misunderstood
Was on holiday in Cornwall and we decided to perform The Matrix to a friend. Almost at the end, the agents had been defeated and there was a very loud knocking at the door.

Neighbour: "I'm Adrian, I'm Adrian" (very angry)
Me: "Hello Adrian. Why are you telling me that?"
Neighbour: "How dare you, I'm Adrian"
My mate: "He's saying he's *Asian*, not Adrian"
Neighbour: "You racists. You've been laughing about shooting Asians all evening! I'm Asian!"
My mate: "We're not racists; I'm half-Irish half-Australian!"
Me: "Agents! We've been shooting Agents, NOT Asians! Have you never seem The Matrix?"

Apparently he had not.

dirtylegs
(Mon 10th Oct 2005, 17:54, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

What's the best thing about shagging ten five year olds?
There's ten of..
fucksocks.
(Fri 10th Sep 2004, 13:08, More)