b3ta.com user Rockster77
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West Country arsehole and professional Lurker.

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Best answers to questions:

» The Police

Country Polis...
Picture the scene - 16, first girlffriend, walking her home - its past 10.30 but you have a pass out till 11 so its okay. You walk her home, you kiss, you hop on bike to pedal pedal pedal home across town, knowing you WILL make it home in time and not get grounded.

Zooming down main street, get overtaken by police car , no worries sez I as all lights working and tyres/brakes all up to scratch, police car pulls over, so I pull out to overtake..as I zip past drivers side, I hear "OI! YOU!", so I jam on the brakes, lock the back wheel, and skid to a halt, hop off the bike and trudge to the coppers window (shitting myself natch - I was only 16) - Look inside cop car.......



And its my Dad!

Enquiring as to why I am not yet home, and to go home where I can expect a severe telling off.... of course any retorts as to waste of tax payers money, catch real criminals, who killed Blair peach etc would fall on extremely deaf ears and would result in an immediate and total grounding (and a thick ear probably).

Still kind of got my own back a couple of years later when I learned to drive, and used to take the same GF to a local beauty spot to look at the stars - it was his car tho..and after about 3 months he got a telling off from his Inspector for having an affair as his car was always being seen at this place!

However in revenge, he snuck up there in his police car when I was up there pleasuring a naked lady in an oral fashion...and turned the blue lights on - and she fucking kneed me in the gob in her rush to get her pants back on...twunt..thank god he's retired and I have my own place....

Apologies for length - its my Dads fault again...
(Tue 27th Sep 2005, 17:13, More)

» Sleepwalking

Poor The Ladies..

First one I can remember is when I woke up looking out of my open 3rd story bedroom window. Then there was the one where I was trying to get through the secret door, and woke up to find myself trying to walk through the wall.

It gets worse.

I woke up my GF, to demand why she had taken her mask off, as the people will know her secret identity.

Different GF, first night sleeping together, leapt out of bed, and dragged her off onto the floor as the green men from under the bed, were trying to drag her down into their dark kingdom. I felt the hero, she felt her bad back the next day.

Different GF (can you blame them?) - Told her not to touch the Duvet as it was live, as the wires had come out of the lightbulb and were sparking on the bed. Then got very cross with her when she did touch the duvet.."ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF WOMAN?"

This doesn't include the other conversation sand walking about I have done, the hiding under the duvet due to the ghosts/old people etc, and the grabbing at things in mid air.

In my defence I have never pissed anywhere out of the ordinary while sleepwalking, and have never hurt anyone (apart from the bad back..sorry helen)
(Thu 23rd Aug 2007, 10:10, More)

» Never Meet Your Heroes

Mr Bronson aka M Sheard R.I.P.
My brother and i went to Weston Super Mare for some kind of comic geekery, and wondered into a room full of Geek heroes eg Keeny Baker, some of the Dr Who ladies, Mon Mothma, jeremy Bullock,Wickett Warwick, Admiral Piatt,Prowse...but special *UNNG** was saved for Michael Sheard who played Mr Bronson and Hitler and was murdered by Darth Vader.

Anyways, my brother paid £20 for his autograph, and I had an idea to get him to bellow "KENDALL!" into my MP3 player...but was too much of a *UUNG* to ask, so my brother asked if he wouldn't mind obliging...Mr Sheard (to my eternal respect ) replied in perfect diction "If you pay me my £20, I'll do anything you like" - we did, so he did, and now his voice eternally announces the launching of Windows XP at home.

What a nice chap he was...shame he died.
The whore....

*UNNG* That noise you make as you shit yourself seeing someone famous...and freeze
(Wed 31st May 2006, 16:37, More)

» Work Experience

i wanted to work in the local theatre....
But I had submitted my form at the last minute - so i got the scraping out of the bottom of the barrel...

I was told to go to the local Mental ..er..Psychiatric hospital..where I would be working in the garden.

So I turned up the first day (cycled across town) in jeans, shirt and heavy work boots, and put in the poly tunnel weeding the dailias or some shit...An hour later, the boss cam over and said " Er, you b'ain't supposed to be in yere, you'm be for the rehab waaard" (did I mention it was the west country?)
So Off I troop to the rehab ward, which is a nice place where people who are deemed not quite as mental as some, as put so they can earn £1 an hour packing chalk into boxes, or scooping gelatinous slime into pots for kids (like Kids don;t generate enough on their own) .
It was hell..two old geezers started scrapping over who gets to use the mahcine to put the lids on....one bloke tried to sell me his car "Its okay, I'm just 15 mate", "Its a sweet runner, mot, the lot" "Thast great, but I am 15" "4 new tyres..." etc
And the amount of times I was asked, "What aer you in here for, have you bad thoughts like me" *rolls eyes in head like drunken Fish*

Theres more, but all you need to know is that I spent a week in a room with mentallists...proper ones...shit-your-pants scarey ones..nice.
(Mon 14th May 2007, 11:14, More)

» School fights

Swimming lessons
I started swimming lessons when I was 15/16..I was a good 8 years older than everyone else in the class....I had a medical condition okay!

Anyways....One of the lads had a younger bro who was a cocky little fuck, and used to come in and stir up his brother and boot him because he knew his brother would be in the shit with Mummy if he laid a finger on him.

One day, the lad was sat next to me getting changed, when younger Bro came in, and stood on my towel...I said "Oi, get off my towel" Kid said no then tried to kick me...I caught his leg, he fell over and cracked his head on the Changing Room concrete and started wailing...the kids looked at me with respect....then FEAR as they said "SHIT! You'd better get out of here...he'll grass you up to his mummy!" - I scarpered, and never got in trouble, but always got respect from the kids AND the little sod never came back....
I also learned to swim.
(Thu 16th Mar 2006, 16:59, More)
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