» Shame

The ONLY Time Ive been truly ashamed of Myself
A year or so ago I started a rather seedy little fling with a 17 yr old girl I know (I was 29 at the time)..and the morning after a particularly sordid night of coke fuelled depravity with this girl in a cheap hotel, I had to attend the memorial service for my Fiancee's grandfather.It was also that weird day in the catholic church when they wheel all the sick oldies out to be blessed and I was taking catechism classes at the time (being a somewhat lapsed catholic) so that I could marry the poor girl that I was cheating on- and had to do a reading in the church...So not only did I have to sit with my fiancee's family and listen to them say what a 'good boy' I was and that my fiancee was 'soooo lucky to have me' but I had to read a passage from the good book while loads of poor old wheelchair bound wops blubbered in front of me..
All the way through I couldnt help but remember with near sickening shame, that only 12 hours earlier I had been snorting class A drugs off a 17 yr old girls arse cleft before sodomising her for about an hour.
(Fri 25th Nov 2005, 10:54, More)

» Jobsworths

'Revenue Protection Officers'
On the train service that runs between Brighton and Bedford and begins with the letter 'T' ...............
I HAVE to use this godforsaken train company to get to and from work and in the past they have employed some pretty offensive units as 'Revenue protection officers' in particular one gentleman who seemed to take great pleasure in harrassing tired single mums who hadnt had time to pay for a £2 ticket, by shouting and threatneing them with court and generally acting the cunt.
One evening I clocked the jobsworth in question getting on a train at Luton..so I thought Id have some fun with him...as soon as he entered the carriage I was sitting in I vaulted off the train and began to sprint down the platform to the other end..now to this chap this was like a red rag to a bull 'fare dodger' was what went through his tiny little mind..so off he jogs after me, frantically bellowing into his walkie talkie to 'hold the train hold the train!' When he reaches the far end of the train he finds yours truly sitting smugly wating for his abusive outburt....
'Get off the train sir or I will have you arrested' I ask him why, 'you are deliberately trying to avoid paying your fare' I ask him how he knows I dont have a ticket..as I produce my season ticket..his face falls and he starts muttering why I ran off?? ,my reply:
'you're a fat cunt mate and I reckon you needed a quick run'
he exits pretty sharpish
(Mon 16th May 2005, 10:44, More)

» Weddings

Pikey Wedding
I was invited to the wedding of a member of one of my home town's largest criminal families - as I was very matey with bride's brother.
The bride was 17, the groom 30.
She was obviously knocked up.
He was at least 22 stone.
All went very smoothly until the grooms mates thought they'd help themselves to the wedding cake using their hands, before the happy couple had cut it. The bride's family took umbridge to this, particularly the bride's brother who promptly plunged the cake cutting knife into the best mans stomach. All hell broke loose with chairs, tables, bottles, glasses and cutlery being thrown in a scene reminiscent of a wild west saloon brawl. My most lasting memories of the evening had to be the bride slipping over on the best mans rapidly pooling blood - concussing herself and the brides father lovingly stamping on his new son-in-law's head whilst screaming 'Cunt! Cunt!'
I took French leave of the situation before the plod arrived.
(Fri 15th Jul 2005, 9:13, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

ok I'll give it a go
My ex wife once bought a Beatles calender
I asked her *why* she'd bought a Beatle's calender-seeing as she'd never ever expressed any interest in the 60's Liverpudlian beat combo..she replied that she'd always liked the Beatles and THATS why she'd bought the calender..interested in this seemingly new found admiration for Lennon, McCartney & co I asked her to name her favourite Beatles song

"Hey Hey we're the monkees" was her reply
(Mon 22nd Mar 2010, 12:24, More)

» Intense Friendships

My Mrs and her 'special friend' at Primary School
My Mrs confessed to having a 'very special friend' at about the age of 10
her and this other girl were thick as thieves, were in the same classes and generally used to do everything together .............when I mean 'everything' I include pissing on each others hands in the toilets at lunchtimes.

you should see the things shes prepared to do as a grown up.
(Fri 28th Jul 2006, 15:35, More)