Here comes the needless sequel...

edit: ...aw, shucks. Ta!
(Sun 7th Nov 2004, 23:37, More)

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edit: Lawks, lordy and blimey. My first front page. I love you, magic donkey.
(Fri 5th Nov 2004, 0:12, More)

» Fire!

My sister has been scared of fire
ever since her school's Christmas party back when she was about 8.

As it was a tiny village school with 40-odd pupils they couldn't afford any proper quality entertainment, so instead just had local parents do their party tricks for an afternoon. All well and good until one extrovert dad (who was by all accounts a bit of a mad bastard) decided to show off his fire-breathing 'routine'.

In actual fact it turned out later that he'd never tried it before and was hoping to pick it up as he went along - and hadn't really thought it through too well as he had a huge bushy Blessed-esque beard.

I sure I don't need to spell out what happened, but pretty much straight away he dribbled some fuel down his chin and his whole head went up. My mum was sat at the back of the room with an emergency bucket of water, but as she jumped up and ran over to put out the human torch she tripped over a panicking toddler and the water went flying... all over the screaming kids.

Eventually the bloke was extinguished and carted off to hospital having swapped his pride and joy facial hair for serious burns - scarring himself and 40 toddlers for life. Happy Christmas!
(Thu 3rd Nov 2005, 12:12, More)

» Rock and Roll Stories

I won an air guitar competition once
without even realising I'd entered.

Slightly embarassing I suppose but hey, I was off my trolley and they were playing the Scorpions.

First prize as well, I got some free gig tickets out of it!
(Thu 29th Jun 2006, 15:34, More)

» Scary Neighbours

Not my neighbours any more
but when I was a kid the bloke next door kept an evil, evil goat. For reasons best known to himself he also had massive amounts of rusty metal piled everywhere in his back yard, which the goat would climb up and get onto our garage roof - from which it could lean out and eat chunks of my mum's favourite tree.

To stop this, my mum had trained me to shoot it with the garden hose whenever it was on top of the garage - which I obviously enjoyed doing and the goat hated me for it.

Both our houses backed onto a field, which as a kid I used to play in all the time. One day though the goat managed to get out of the yard as well, and as I was doing whatever I was doing in the field, I caught a glimpse of it charging at me out the corner of my eye.

I jumped up and sprinted for the fence to our garden, but the goat was always going to win and butted me from behind face down into an enormous patch of stinging nettles - then as I screamed and thrashed around with stings all over my face it proceeded to stamp on me, butt me and bite me until I managed to drag myself bleeding and covered in hundreds of nettle stings through the field and back over the fence to our garden.

I was terrified of that goat bastard and by extension it's scumbag owner so it counts for me.
(Mon 29th Aug 2005, 22:27, More)

» Useless Information

On the subject of pig sex...
A satisfied male pig can, during an ejaculation lasting up to 25 minutes, produce a frankly intimidating half litre of semen through his corkscrew-shaped penis.

This contrasts (for example) with the common bull, who despite the horns and attitude can only squeeze out on average a somewhat unfulfilling 5 millilitres.

To further put this into context, consider that the human male (regardless of pub boasting) manages an average of 3 millilitres each time. In case you need help with your maths (and budding bukkake directors on a budget take note) one pig with the right diet and suitable incentives can produce similar results to more than 150 hairy gurning 'adult entertainment stars'.

Thanks for listening and enjoy your lunch.
(Fri 18th Mar 2005, 10:45, More)

» Pure Ignorance

At work I supervise a young lad called Matt.
He's comedy gold. We actually keep a file of his quotes... for example (and no word of a lie);

"Mexico City? Where's that?"

"What happened at the end of Titanic?"

"How long was the four minute mile?"

"I say 'just like that'. Just like that Tommy Lee Cooper."

"Beef Stroganoff? Isn't that a type of big lorry?"

And my personal favourite... he was singing "Mmm-bop" by Hanson at his desk.

Me: "I hope you're not singing Hanson..."
Matt: "What?"
Me: "Hanson - the group who did that stupid song you're singing."
Matt (after a lengthy pause): "You mean that person who killed all those people wrote that song?"

After a bit of head scratching we realised the perfectly reasonable confusion with Charles Manson.

Genius.
(Tue 11th Jan 2005, 14:34, More)