» When I met the parents

Ultimate Nightmare
Imagine this - you meet a good looking, well proportioned girl in a well known (think MOSS but shorter) club. You and girl leave club very drunk. You go back to what you think is her flat and drink more. Girl gets frisky and starts nodding dog routine on your naughty bits. You and girl get totally naked. Girls parents walk into room. Girls father goes balistic, mother starts crying. Father phones police, grabs you round the neck. Mother shouts at girl that she'd ruined her weekend. Between blows to the body from father you ascertain that girl is not old enough to be in club and only 1 day old enough for nooky, the flat is not theirs but a friends they've borrowed while in London. Police arrive. Father and you taken into custody for assault.

Now is that the way to meet the parents or what?
(Fri 20th May 2005, 11:01, More)

» The Onosecond

Another Persons Onosecond
In my last job, one of the women I worked with had the same surname as me, and was being thoroughly porked by a senior management bloke (both were married) Imagine my surprise when I received an email asking if the bleeding had stopped, sorry for being so rough, and next time they should use a rubber and more lube for anal. I didn't suffer from an onosecond when forwarding to the people I knew and replying that he'd sent it to the wrong person. Office affairs, who'd have one?
(Fri 27th May 2005, 10:01, More)

» Accidentally Erotic

In a meeting with an estate agent
I had to meet an estate agent at an empty building, and when they turned up i was face to face with an incredibly fit woman. Walking round, I noticed that a: she appeared to be going commando (I had to follow her up the stairs) and b: she was obsessed with sex. On the top floor she exclaimed that 'it's a good room, but you'd be seen shagging by the neighbours', the kitchen 'that worktop looks like it would take some damage', the bathroom 'you'd get 2 friendly people in that bath' I walked around with a raging hard on for half an hour, severely tempted to jump on her and shag her brains out.

Another time going home on the train, some woman sat next to me, fell asleep and leaned on my shoulder, and that gave me the raging horn as well.
(Thu 2nd Feb 2006, 13:54, More)

» It was a great holiday, but...

School Holiday from HELL
Our school used to organise a week long 'holiday' for people off to university so that we could see what the accomodation etc was like. The year I went saw the worst ever, for which the staff would probably now go to prison for.

The geography teacher led us out on a walk around the country side, promptly got lost despite a map, and ended up taking 7 hours to get back to the coach. Halfway through this, me and my mates saw the coach in the distance, thought sod this and off we went. By the time everybody else got back we'd managed to drink everything that had been provided, so 2 of the lost had to be taken to hospital with dehudration. The coach then caught fire, resulting in another one arriving complete with tanked up driver who ploughed off the road and into a ditch. 7 more to hospital. The rooms we were staying in needed fumigating. 1 more to hospital with a severe reaction to bites. Field trip to beach. 1 more to hospital after slipping on rocks and breaking leg. On the final night everybody sneaked out and went to the pub. 3 arrested due to fight with inbred locals, 1 taken to hospital to have guts pumped after too much booze.

There were more casualties, but I can't remember what they were.
(Thu 21st Apr 2005, 10:25, More)

» Stupid Tourists

Americans outside the Houses of Parliament
'Wow, I guess it must be great living in there!'
'See I told you honey, the White House is older'
'How cute, the english have artists too'
'Gee the river has boats'
'Where's the nearest McDonalds, we need some real food'
'be careful what you say, they can understand English' WTF?
(Fri 8th Jul 2005, 10:52, More)