b3ta.com user Dugs
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» When animals attack...

Old bad tempered cat Mog
My last cat was old and I was sitting on the floor with my legs flat out in front on me, watching TV. In walked Mog who proceeded to jump over my legs to get past. Cue me (cruel bastard that I am) lifting my legs up so can't get past.

She cleared my legs and walked further down the room till she must have thought to herself "What a bastard".

She turned round, walked right up to me, onto my legs and sat on my thighs. She then proceeded to climb up further and slap me in the face (No claws or anything. Just a paw'y slap).

Then she just wandered off as if nothing had happened.
(Thu 2nd Jun 2005, 13:24, More)

» Stupid Tourists

I was watching the US news last night (CNN or ABC or something like that)....
and there was a baldy American reporting from Gleaneagles about the G8 summit.

Some interesting facts I didnt know about:

1. George Bush met the Scottish Prime Minister John Mcculloch. (It's actually the Scottish First Minister Jack McConnell)

2. The G8 meeting was getting held in "Granteagles"

3. There were riots in Ouch-ter-rarder instead of Auchterarder. (Its actually pronounded Ock-ter-rarder)

Made me laugh.

Did anyone else see it?

Oh... and another thing, I was on the phone to an Merkin colleague and he said that he was coming over here on holiday and asked me what the weather was like just and would it be too hot. "No", I replied (it is Scotland right enough), "It should be ok. Where about are you staying?" I asked.

"Athens" he replies "Maybe when I'm across we can meet up for a beer"

Errrr.. He actually thought Europe was a little country.
(Thu 7th Jul 2005, 17:24, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

This guy walks into a brothel, and being a bit strapped for cashe, and damn horny, he walks up to the woman in charge and demands the cheapest whore in the place.

The woman, obviously feeling sorry for his shabby clothes, says "I'm really sorry but there's only really one girl I can give you but she has a slight medical issue.".

"Oh?" says the man, "Whats that?"

"Well!" says the woman, "She has a slight problem, in that she can't get lubricated down there".

The man, obviously desparate, says "I'll take her" and heads upstairs, into the prozzie's chamber.

He's shagging her for about a minute or so and he has to stop as it's tearing the skin right off his knob.

"Listen dear! Is there anything you can do? Maybe a little KY, a little vaseline, a little margerine even"

The woman pops off into the bathroom and comes back 10 minutes later.

They start again and this time it's the warmest, wettest, sweetest sex he's ever had

Lying on the bed afterwards he asked what she used.

"Nothing" said the woman, "I just picked the scabs and let the puss run"
(Thu 9th Sep 2004, 20:01, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

I was in Hard Rock cafe in Edinburgh one evening with my good lady, and was sitting next to these 2 American couples. Now in typical obnoxious American Tourist style, they were talking rather loudly, about how shit Edinburgh was and how there was nothing to do in Scotland if you didnt like castles.

Cue the girlfriend, slamming down her cutlery, jumping up off her seat and screaming at the top of her voice "And this comes from a country with only about 200 years of history. Just keep your own f***ing opinions to yourself or f*** off home"

I was so proud :-)
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 8:24, More)

» Evidence that you're getting old

When you bend down to tie your shoes and for no reason at all, you groan on the way down, without even noticing
(Thu 28th Oct 2004, 15:29, More)
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