» Siblings

before i was born
aged around 7 my oldest brother told the next one down (4 or 5 at the time) that if you grabbed stinging nettles really hard and fast the sting wouldn't have time to hurt you. i believe my second-eldest brother found to his extreme disappointment (and pain) that siblings lie.

and one from me being a nob:

when i was 6 i dared my then 4-year-old brother to slide off a dome. all the cool kids were doing it. all the cool kids were about ten years older than us though ... i said i'd catch him. off he runs and slides down it (how he even got up there in the first place is a mystery) - i was nowhere near him when he hit the ground and broke his leg. a fracture which remained unidentified (despite his pain) and untreated for 4 days.

lesson: aged 6 or 7, older siblings will be cunts to their younger brethren.
(Thu 25th Dec 2008, 18:27, More)

» Customers from Hell

"But I didn't tell them ..."
A man came into the store where I worked, Christmas Eve, and asked for a pair of sunglasses; they had to be suitable for driving, because his mother likes to drive a lot, and all weather conditions, durable, etc. Price is not an issue. So I show him a fancy pair of Oakleys, top of the range, polarised, metal, really nice. Can't quite imagine a MOTHER in them, but hey, they fit his criteria. I explain we don't refund except for faulty goods, but we can give store credit. That's fine. Out he strolls into the night.

Boxing Day, and an older lady comes in, asking if we might be able to help - her son bought her some sunglasses for Christmas and she can't use them, can she get a refund? Well, she won't be able to get a refund, but let's see them first. She pulls out the box and my heart sinks. That sale was a masterpiece, it had boosted my average considerably. Now this daft bitch was about to ruin it all because she wanted a refund. Well, why should we give you a refund? No shit this is what she said:

"I used to drive a lot, yes, but I had a stroke some years ago. And I only told two of my eight children, I didn't want them all to worry. So I can't drive any more, and these are no use to me."

At what point she seriously thought her not informing her children of her medical history was in any way my business or could change this situation, I don't know. We all told her she could not have a refund, and she got *mad*. She was ranting and raving and demanding my name (my assistant manager was a gem, she told the woman categorically she could have my store number as printed on the receipt but not my name), and she was threatening to go to the papers over this company policy. Really, she got irate.

Finally the matter was resolved. We rang my manager who agreed that she could not have a refund. We then (at this woman's insistence) disturbed the area manager, who, being new to this company and a dippy bitch to boot, authorised the refund, but that it would have to go via head office and the woman would be waiting weeks anyway.

So, now, as far as this woman was concerned, we had all lied to her, but at least she was getting what she wanted. That was three years ago and I still think she's a cow.
(Sun 7th Sep 2008, 13:54, More)

» My Christmas Nightmare

i am jewish
i have no christmas nightmares

=)

lucky me
(Thu 23rd Dec 2004, 20:02, More)

» My Wanking Disasters

never been caught at it but...
* wanking in the bath will result in spunk floating about. ie: not pleasant.
* however, wanking in the shower achieves much more pleasurable (and cleaner) results.
* sneaking porn about the house and finding new and inventive hiding places from parents is a mission and then some.
* once, back in the day when i was a horny 12 year old and couldnt leave myself alone (like most guys of that age) i broke my record and managed to wank eight times in one day. i would have carried on, but i got a graze on my member which kinda stopped all that nonsense for a good few days.
(Wed 2nd Jun 2004, 0:30, More)

» Breakin' The Law

i was in london one time
with my friends, and we'd been down camden town (as you do), and got hold of some stuff, it wasnt weed, it wasnt even illegal, but it was "guaranteed" to get you high... well bollocks to that, but anyways, the three of us went to this little grassy place by goldersgreen tube station and rolled up... we'd got some special cammo rollup paper for the occasion so the resulting "spliffs" looked even more suspect than usual. anyhow, we strolled along the railing right outside the tube station, and paused to smoke. a rather nice man walked by and warned us that old bill were having a snoop and we'd best put it out, but of course it wasnt weed... so what was there to worry about??? thanked him anyway tho. so the boys in blue come along and ask us what we think we're doing (like we'd be dumb enough to smoke weed in public!!!), so we tell them. "just to be safe" they have to arrest us on suspicion of possessing weed. what a stupid excuse. after twenty minutes of us hanging about, and them taking all our details and reading us rights and all (that was fun), their man from the drugs lab comes to see whats up. he looks at our stuff, sniffs about a bit, and comes over. he's pissed off. bigtime. apparently the stuff in the bag wasnt even worth the time of day, and *we* had wasted police time... by standing about being legal. goes without saying that following the dearresting process, the police complained to us about the paperwork it would need and didnt even apologise. typical. :D
(Thu 8th Jan 2004, 0:03, More)