» My Worst Date

Today
when I dumped my boyfriend, in a packed Café in town, and he gave me a birthday present, and then started crying...loudly. I think somebody actually hissed at me.

One way ticket to hell please
(Sat 23rd Oct 2004, 23:12, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Children's Books You Won't Be Seeing Soon
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer— Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes the Hamster....and Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead"
"How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukaemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
(Tue 14th Sep 2004, 15:20, More)

» Scars with history

Clothes lined
I was actually clothes lined. Horse riding in a friends garden (farming family-big garden) when some random dog enters the garden and proceeds to scare the shit out of the horse.
The horse bolts. Enormous fucker then decides that under the clothes line is the best route of escape. Catch is, hes short enough to go under the clothes line, so am I but not when Im sat astride an eight foot tall horse clinging on for dear life.
This results in rope burns (from a nasty grimy rope) on my neck, chin, shoulder, nose and lips which were extremely nasty looking (puss and such) for a good four months. On the upside the one on lip was this kick ass slash thing so I didn't just look like some tit who fell off a horse, people have to be sensitive when you're disfigured. Fortunately only have a slight scar on my lip now but the one on my neck looks like a love bite. Results in many awkward questions from potential boyfriends but makes it easier to pull for some reason. However people tend to give weird looks when you tell them you got a rope burn on your neck, they start to wonder and regularly ask things like "Are you happy with how things are going in your life?".
Apologies for length!
(Sun 6th Feb 2005, 20:57, More)

» Local Nutters

'pologies for length.
Friend of mine is on the bus when this total loon gets on.
Quite obviously stoned and stinking of vodka he shambles down to the back of the bus and yells "Give me a fucking seat ya yids!" so everybody scrambles and he lies flat out across the back row of the bus.
Two stops later the bus is driving full pelt down the road when he suddenly runs to the front of the bus and screams "Stop the bus ya fuckin!" (nothing is missing there btw) So this bus driver, being the cranky bastard that all bus drivers are promptly tells him to fuck off, at which point the nutter pulls his hand from his pocket does that 2 finger gun thing that 5-year-olds do and yells "Ill fucking kill you!" Spinning wildly to face the other passengers he points the fingers at them screaming "Ill blow your fuckin heads off!" Then goes up to some poor elderly woman and whines "Muuuuuuuuummmmmmm, he won't stop the bus!"
So at the next stop he ploughs his way out the doors and while the other passengers board, he pisses on the windscreen giving himself what was probably his first shower in several years.
God bless public transport
(Mon 20th Sep 2004, 21:04, More)

» Useless Information

May have been done, too many pages to check Im afraid.......
All polar bears are left handed.
Dolphins are the only other animals that have sex for pleasure.
The first couple shown in bed together on tv was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
On average there are 61,000 people airborn above North America per hour.
Honey is the only food that can't go off.
The world's youngest parents were nine, eight, from china and lived in 1910.
All mules are infertile.
A cross between a tiger and a lion is called a lyger (actually exists, see)
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the english language

And to finish off:

111,111,111 X 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
(Sat 19th Mar 2005, 22:05, More)