» Lies Your Parents Told You

Going back to this whole making faces, wind changing thing
There was a really weird looking kid in my class at infant school and my mum told me that he'd got like that because he'd made a face and the wind had changed. This kid was freaky - bug eyes, sloping forehead etc. No symmetry whatsoever.

Some years later I found out that this kid had actually fallen out of a moving vehicle and now had steel plates in his head.

Thanks mum.
(Wed 14th Jan 2004, 16:06, More)

» My Wanking Disasters

What a disaster!
I attempted to restrict my breathing while knocking one out and ended up suffocating. What a bitch.
(Thu 3rd Jun 2004, 17:20, More)

» Slang Survey

Wankbank
part of your memory where you store mental images of attractive ladies for later use during onanism. eg - "Phwoar, look at the charlies on that".

"Indeed - another one for the wankbank, I think".

Also, poodunnit. When a shared/communal lavatory either stinks of shit or is inhabited by a particularly stubborn floater, but no one is prepared to own up to it.
(Tue 3rd Feb 2004, 13:44, More)

» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

I was stoned.
I was eating a Galaxy bar. What I meant to say to my companions was something along the lines of "this Galaxy bar is very enjoyable and is giving me sensations that are similar to those one might experience when commiting the sexual act."

What I actually said was "It's like an orgasm in my mouth".

I have never been allowed to forget that one.
(Fri 16th Dec 2005, 14:23, More)

» Evidence that you're getting old

Every time I yawn
I feel the need to do it in some sort of tune. I told someone the other day that 'the nights are drawing in'. I talk to the television. I've started playing squash.

There is no hope for me.
(Thu 28th Oct 2004, 17:04, More)