b3ta.com user Sausagegirl
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» The Police

He jumped without a parachute
My dad used to be a copper. One day he was called to the local parachute school where a bloke had plummetted to the ground after his chute failed to open. Said parachute school is on the border of two counties, so officers from two forces turned up.
As they stood over the dead guy, firmly embedded in the earth, my dad, who will do anything he can to get out of paperwork, decided the corpse wasn't in Nottinghamshire - it had fallen into Leicestershire, and tried to get the other rozzer to deal with it. The Leicestershire copper argues the body was in Notts and therefore not his juristiction either. After a heated argument, the OS map comes out, they unfold it over the bonnet of the panda car , work out which square they're standing in, work out the scale then pace out the required number of steps from a local landmark to determine where the county boundary is in this field. Turns out the stiff was in Leicestershire by three paces. Me dad went home.
(Sat 24th Sep 2005, 8:21, More)

» Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals

Labour isn't working
I had a particularly traumatic labour. I was sky high on every drug going. Blood everywhere, baby in distress, they needed to get her out quick.

Top consultant called to the room.

I know she was there to help save the life of my (by now not breathing) baby but at the time all I could scream was "Get your fucking hands out my fucking cunt you fucking psycho bitch"

In hindsight, she was brilliant.

Me? Not so much.
(Sun 14th Mar 2010, 13:01, More)

» Take my Mother-in-law...

MIL - mad as a box of frogs
My MIL is lovely, but a bit obsessed in the cleaning stakes. She cleans her skirting boards with a toothbrush, believes you can't clean a kitchen in less than five and a half hours and owns three hoovers - one for upstairs, one for downstairs and one for outside.

Yes - outside.

In the winter, those pesky birds drop seeds and nuts from the bird feeder everywhere. The solution? Hoover the lawn.

Oh yes.

Mad as a goose on stilts.
(Fri 9th Sep 2005, 19:09, More)

» The Police

Contemptous hacks
As a group of trainee journalists in Peterborough the early 90s, we spent a lot of time sitting in the magistrates' court practising our legal training.

One day, m'learned friend the prosecution was questioning plod about what happened when he stumbled across a dodgy pair breaking into a warehouse.

Plod gets out his notebook and says, in that deadpan, Mr Cholmondley-Warner voice, "I was proceeding in a westerly direction when I heard the phrase "Stone me, it's the Rozzers".

We never heard the rest of the story. All 11 of us pissed ourselves laughing and were escorted out of the building for being in contempt of court.
(Fri 23rd Sep 2005, 17:41, More)

» My Wanking Disasters

Where do you think
I got my username?
(Thu 3rd Jun 2004, 10:49, More)
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