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- a member for 20 years, 3 months and 6 days
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- has posted 7 stories and 11 replies on question of the week
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» Messing with people's heads
Cold Callers
My 2 year old daughter is a chatterbox, and loves telephones. If you cold call me trying to sell double glazing or whatnot, I just say 'here, speak to the boss', and let her deal with them. Their carefully crafted sales pitch then gets 'yes', 'yes', 'yes', 'hello', 'yes', until she gives the game away with 'Ive got a new teddy' or something similar. Funny, I must be on some sort of blacklist as nobody cold calls any more
(Wed 18th Jan 2012, 0:24, More)
Cold Callers
My 2 year old daughter is a chatterbox, and loves telephones. If you cold call me trying to sell double glazing or whatnot, I just say 'here, speak to the boss', and let her deal with them. Their carefully crafted sales pitch then gets 'yes', 'yes', 'yes', 'hello', 'yes', until she gives the game away with 'Ive got a new teddy' or something similar. Funny, I must be on some sort of blacklist as nobody cold calls any more
(Wed 18th Jan 2012, 0:24, More)
» Foot in Mouth Syndrome II
Don't mention the...
A German friend Jurgen mailed me to say he was coming over to London from Munich for the week with some work colleagues.
'Where's a good pub to meet?' he asked when he finally rang
'where are you staying?' I asked
'Kensington'
Quickly thinking of pubs near their tube stop, 'Let's go to Churchills on Kensington Church St - the beer's good and they do Thai food. See you in half an hour' was my reply
'Ach ja, we like your famous Englisch sense of humour' they greeted me, as I found them sat under an enormous portrait of dear old Winston himself as I walked in
They're good sports the Jerries
(Sat 18th Aug 2012, 2:22, More)
Don't mention the...
A German friend Jurgen mailed me to say he was coming over to London from Munich for the week with some work colleagues.
'Where's a good pub to meet?' he asked when he finally rang
'where are you staying?' I asked
'Kensington'
Quickly thinking of pubs near their tube stop, 'Let's go to Churchills on Kensington Church St - the beer's good and they do Thai food. See you in half an hour' was my reply
'Ach ja, we like your famous Englisch sense of humour' they greeted me, as I found them sat under an enormous portrait of dear old Winston himself as I walked in
They're good sports the Jerries
(Sat 18th Aug 2012, 2:22, More)
» Real-life slapstick
Oil
Long, long ago when I was young, I had a spare sunny summer to fill, and a Triumph Dolomite Sprint whose engine had seen better days. So I set about tearing the engine apart and replacing all it's bearings and pistons. Before removing the engine I took out the dashboard and left the speedo, oil pressure gauge and rev counter hanging. The job went well, and within a month I had got it back together again. A bit like Lego, car engines are really. My brother helped me lift the engine back into place, and I was feeling pretty confident as I removed my overalls, sat in the driver's seat and put the key in the ignition, despite the small pile of nuts and bolts that I could not find a home for. A small crowd of neighbours gathered round to observe the grand firing up ceremony.
I turned the key. The solenoid engaged sending a rush of amps into the starter motor. The engine started turning. And just then I noticed the funny pipe pointing at me. A pipe that pumped half a pint of oil all over my face. I'd forgotten to connect the oil gauge, much to the amusement of all the bystanders. I would have laughed myself, but I had a face full of oil!
(Mon 25th Jan 2010, 1:38, More)
Oil
Long, long ago when I was young, I had a spare sunny summer to fill, and a Triumph Dolomite Sprint whose engine had seen better days. So I set about tearing the engine apart and replacing all it's bearings and pistons. Before removing the engine I took out the dashboard and left the speedo, oil pressure gauge and rev counter hanging. The job went well, and within a month I had got it back together again. A bit like Lego, car engines are really. My brother helped me lift the engine back into place, and I was feeling pretty confident as I removed my overalls, sat in the driver's seat and put the key in the ignition, despite the small pile of nuts and bolts that I could not find a home for. A small crowd of neighbours gathered round to observe the grand firing up ceremony.
I turned the key. The solenoid engaged sending a rush of amps into the starter motor. The engine started turning. And just then I noticed the funny pipe pointing at me. A pipe that pumped half a pint of oil all over my face. I'd forgotten to connect the oil gauge, much to the amusement of all the bystanders. I would have laughed myself, but I had a face full of oil!
(Mon 25th Jan 2010, 1:38, More)
» Real-life slapstick
Diesel
Took a job looking for oil in the Sahara desert. Filled my Land Rover with diesel from a tanker. Noticed one of the tanker's valves was not shut off properly. Can't have diesel dripping back into the desert where it came from. Thought to myself 'is it clockwise or anti-clockwise to shut this thing off?' Gingerly turned it the wrong way. Whoosh! An enormous jet of diesel covered me from head to toe. Later, in the camp beer tent, I had to put up with all the jokers in the crew brandishing their cigarette lighters and asking what that smell was.
(Mon 25th Jan 2010, 1:49, More)
Diesel
Took a job looking for oil in the Sahara desert. Filled my Land Rover with diesel from a tanker. Noticed one of the tanker's valves was not shut off properly. Can't have diesel dripping back into the desert where it came from. Thought to myself 'is it clockwise or anti-clockwise to shut this thing off?' Gingerly turned it the wrong way. Whoosh! An enormous jet of diesel covered me from head to toe. Later, in the camp beer tent, I had to put up with all the jokers in the crew brandishing their cigarette lighters and asking what that smell was.
(Mon 25th Jan 2010, 1:49, More)