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» Political Correctness Gone Mad

Americans in Yorkshire
Being a Yorkshireman now married and living in luverly New York, it occasionally fall to me to bring Mrs Evilbert and her Newyorkie relatives to visit the wondrous isle of my birth and upbringing. Naturally, there are some cultural differences (yorkshiremen are now referred to as "british rednecks by wifey's family) but a grand old time is usually had by all.

On one of our trips, my very PC mother-in-law stopped dead in the street in York with a confused and rather angry look on her face. "What the hell is that about?!?!" she demanded, pointing at the sign:

"Yes, mum, we still have slavery here. We've not moved on much from the middle ages, ya know?"

"what?!?!? you're not serious are you?!?"

"mum! calm down! It's an estate agents called "Blacks"!!

Bloody Americans..
(Sun 25th Nov 2007, 23:11, More)

» Insults

Arab insults
Surpirsingly, arabs can come out with some of the most imaginitive insults I've ever heard...

Driving in Oman. Arab twunt runs into the back of our Landrover at a red light. 'Course, it's an old military Defender, so arab's toyota takes the brunt of the damage. But we get out to have a looksee anyway.

Arab bloke takes a look at the front of his crumpled Toyota, but realises it's his fault and there's nothing he can do about it. So in the spirit of international friendship he spits on the ground in front of me and yells something in arabic on the way back to his car.

Me to our arab guide back in the landrover:

"what did he say just then?"

arab translator (in broken english):

"he say...er... your mother is a goat and...er....nobody quite sure who your father is"

Hmmm....good one. I imagine it lost some of the impact in translation.
(Fri 5th Oct 2007, 23:59, More)

» Pathological Liars

Bullshit Jason
yeah, that's his real name but what the fuck. There's loads of people called Jason and I don't really care if he's reading this. Fancied himself as a hardcore death metal dude, which is a bit of a hard act to pull off when you still live with your mum in a Leeds council house.

BJ claim:
Don't tell anyone, but I've got a deal going with a bloke to sell used parts from Tornado aircraft engines. Fell of the back of a lorry, ya know? They're about 50% solid gold - we'll make a killing!

Me: Well you do remember me telling you I was in the air force 2 years ago, right? And I used to work on Tornado engines? Any you really think you're getting hold of some parts and they're made of gold? Bullshitting bastard!

BJ: Um....I've got ta call this bloke....he must be trying to rip me off!

BJ claim:
Yeah, I'm a 3rd dan karate black belt. I've been training with nunchacks for the last year.

BJ's Nunchak performance:
Had a party at a mate's house. He actually could use nunchaks, but didn't make a big deal of it. As a little show-off piece he whipped out a set of rubber training nunchaks and showed off some funky moves for the drunken revellers.

"Hey BJ! You're a 3rd dan black belt with those things! Go on, show us some stuff!"

BJ: Erm....well, I'm a bit out of practice...and.....like....I'm a bit drunk right now

*staggers a bit for emphasis*

"nah - come on, mate. Show us some moves!"

BJ grudgingly takes the nunchaks....looking a bit nervous. Looks around the room at a dozen Leeds pissheads all watching him.

*Takes up an exaggerated karate stance*

BJ twirls the nunchaks around a couple of times...

*sniggering from our corner*. This should be fun!

BJ tries to swing them around his neck like he's seen in kung fu films, but cracks himself on the side of the head with them instead. Hard.

*derisive laughter all round*

But BJ, the pro bullshitter looks for an "out" regardless:

*stares at the nunchaks intently*

"oh fuck! Why didn't you tell me about the weight of these things? They're weighted all wrong! I can't use these.....you got anything heavier?"

*more derisive laughter*

BJ claim:
"Hey - lemme see your bank card. Yeah...wonder if I can still do this? I know this math formula to work out your PIN number from your Visa number"

*This should be fun*

ME: "go on, then!"

BJ: Pulls out a pen and paper and scribbles some maths for a few minutes...

"your PIN number is 3942!"

Me: not even fucking close! I picked my own PIN number you sad muppet - it's got fuck-all to do with your visa number!

BJ: Hmm.....that used to work....dunno what they use now!

Havn't heard from BJ in ages. I assume he's still a death metal ninja warrior who deals in scrap gold from jet engines while living with him mum
(Tue 4th Dec 2007, 23:36, More)

» Redundant technology

There's this one website I still visit frequently
It's called "Beeter" or something. Where all the other link-aggregation websites have switched to a more modern bulleting board, complete with a shit load of ads, these nobheads are still using this bag of knackers that looks like it was written in the 90s by some 16 yr ols with ass burgers.

It's quite nice actually :)
(Mon 8th Nov 2010, 1:38, More)

» Lies Your Parents Told You

when I was about 5 or 6 I was in the living room while my mum was watching the evening news. Not sure what the report was about, but somebody mentioned lesbians, which provoked the question "mum, what's a lesbian?"
She thought about it for a second then replied with "it's someone who comes from Lesbia. You know, like if someone comes from America then they're American?"


For my next birthday one of the presents I got was a world atlas. I spent a whole day looking through it trying to find Lesbia. Eventually I asked my dad.

"dad - do you know where Lesbia is?"

dad - *confused look* "Lesbia? Never heard of it"

"Well mum told me that's where Lesbians come from!"

dad - "let me just go and ask your mum about it"

*Hushed conversation in the other room*

dad - "you shouldn't be spending all your time looking at maps. How'd you like some Star Wars figures instead?"

So I forgot all about Lesbia for several years!
(Fri 16th Jan 2004, 17:24, More)
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