b3ta.com user localknowledge
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» World's Sickest Joke

Jill Dando's husband wanted to paint their front door green, but she was dead against it.
(Fri 10th Sep 2004, 10:56, More)

» You're a moviestar baby

My sister liked my jacket...
...so much that one day when I wasn't home she stole it and wore it to go to town. Unfortunately she unwittingly wandered into shot of a Midlands Today report being recorded. So I got home that evening and was tucking into our Thursday night family meal [macaroni and cheese if you're asking] and what pops up on our regional news but MY JACKET with my sister 'in it'. COLLARED! [soz].
(Thu 11th Nov 2004, 16:23, More)

» Shit Stories

I still don't know what I had eaten to produce this.
My mate used to live in a relatively small house with just his mum and his sister.

One day in the summer holidays off school I used the downstairs toilet in said house, and unleashed what has since that day been referred to as 'Hiroshima'. It wasn't so much the fact that I couldn't flush it away, it was just the intoxicating reek it produced. It could have taken the flesh off your face...

So his mum wasn't too happy when she arrived home from work. 2 cans of Pledge hadn't even scratched the surface.

Not only that but the next time I was round there when she came home, me and my mate had been doing kung-fu in the lounge, and after a crafty 3 inch punch from my sparring partner, my nose had exploded with blood which I proceeded to drip all over the very same downstairs toilet.
(Thu 6th May 2004, 17:09, More)

» Lies Your Parents Told You

as my birthday is april the first I am usually subject to the odd fool's day jokes. you don't expect it from your own mother though. back in the days of TVAM when they'd show photos of children with birthdays that day - I was half dressed in school uniform, and my mum was screaming that the picture she'd sent in was up and i was "on the television"...i almost broke my legs trying to get down the stairs...of course it was a parental lie and my mum simply laughed at me as i sauntered back up to my room...tail between legs...
(Wed 21st Jan 2004, 12:52, More)