» Mini Cabs From Hell

the passenger's revenge....
I was tired and frustrated from drinking all that tequila and it was 3am (cab changeover time) in a stinking hot club, valentines day. Everyone in the world was out this night. I thought it would be a good idea to try and get a cab. In Kings Cross (Sydney) this can be kinda tricky. I manage to find one with his light on (means he's taking passengers) but the fare isn't a juicy one back to the backwoods from whence he came.

He rejects the fare, and I brainsnap. As he's stuck in traffic, I calmly climb onto the bonnet and jump up and down while screaming abuse. That'll teach him.

The punchline... I forgot my poor friends were all on some strong acid, and the last thing they need to see is me devolving into something from the jungle and trying to fight a whole taxi. Some still have flashbacks. Sorry guys.
(Thu 27th May 2004, 1:58, More)

» Lies Your Parents Told You

Lies Your Parents Told You
...and I once obsereved a baby in a stroller asking mum for 'lol-lol' (lollies), and the mum promising some when they got home if bubba was well-behaved. Nothing amiss there, until the mum turned to me, winked and said "I've only ever given him dry crackers, and just told him that's what a lolly is." ...That's right up there with saying the world outside the garden is full of poison gas....
(Wed 21st Jan 2004, 23:41, More)

» My Worst Vomit

the chunder from downunder
I had an excellent one. Back in the uni days, I was celebrating the end of exams (having not had a drink for weeks to preserve our tiny minds.)

We'd gone on quite a crawl, ending with him staggering off home and me deciding to visit a friend who had just outed himself and was now working in a gay cocktail lounge. When I turned up, he quietly sat me down in a corner with a glass of water and some chips, near the dj, leaving me there to sober up and do no damage (so he thought...) I'm sipping away, bopping along, crunching my chips (chili crisps, actually) when all of a sudden I feel a wave of nausea - I'm trapped by all these other tables and can't walk to the bathroom (too pissed!) So, I look around, no potplants, and too many people looking in my direction....

Genius! my glass (frosted so it's opaque) is empty enough... here goes... I bowk my spew into the glass, while pretending I'm downing my drink, fill it to the brim, and then disguise the top of it with some chips to hide the truth, stagger out into the night, and grab a taxi. Perfect crime.

The friend working there tells me that the young thai glassie cleaning the tables came across my creation, and had no idea why someone would leave a full drink (covered in chip garnish)... until he realised the glass he was holding was body temperature.

I'm told his screams of disgust tore off the roof.
(Fri 20th Aug 2004, 6:05, More)

» Embarrassing Injuries

glass doors
I love them glass patio doors, me.

My brother and I lived in a flat that was brand new, with nice clean glass in the sliding doors.

Smoking happened outside only, so over the course of the lease we collected some fabulous pieces of art that consisted of greasy, but detailed graphic smudges of people's faces - contorted in pain and shock as they walked smack bang into what they thought was an open door.

ha frikken ha.
(Fri 3rd Sep 2004, 6:12, More)

» Shit Stories

multi-meal turds
I'm sorry but how do you shit your stomach out? I can understand almost everything else, but that is a little hard to (ahem) 'swallow'.

my story: we were out skateboarding in the middle of an industrial estate, and I got the instant cramps, no chance of making it anywhere, so I dropped one on the baking concrete (it was summer) round the corner (I wiped with a sock, don't worry)... the great part was the 3 meals that comprised it: lightbrown and chock full of nuts at the front (breakfast cereal); Darker middle with some chunks of green (burger with lettuce) and very dark ending (steak and mushroom). Perfectly clear and distinct divisions between each meal.
(Thu 6th May 2004, 2:01, More)