» World's Sickest Joke

fishing.
Fisherman Fred arrives at his favorite fishing lake to find the top spot gone.. ‘No matter’ he thinks he'll be off so ill have it then. The man is there till past dark and the same again all week.

Eventually Fred gets curious and wanders over.

'Hello, local are you?'
'Nope I’m from Milton Keynes I’m on my honeymoon'
'On you honeymoon? You should be home shaggin the wife?’
'Nope she's got gonorrhea'
'Well what about up the chuff then?’
'Nope diarrhea'
'Blowjob then?’
'oral herpes'
'Fuck sake why did you marry her'
'For the maggots'



Thank you I’m here all week… cd’s by the door on your way out
(Fri 9th Dec 2005, 11:19, More)

» Shame

George best is dead
and im pleased, nay... fucking over the moon i actually shouted 'THANK FUCK FOR THAT' while drivin me van.

what a waste of a liver that someone could have used properly for years...good riddance to bad rubbish..

but im ashamed at the level of my pleasure at his death :(
(Fri 25th Nov 2005, 13:33, More)

» It was a great holiday, but...

Stupid arse dutch Toilets
Me and My fatha run a small engineering company and at the time we had 3 fitters on the road who used company barclay cards for fuel and accomadation (visa credit cards)

at the time you got point for using the cards and they were racking up and up n up :) so me and a good friend of mine 'gewboy' decided these points were best used to go to Amsterdam for a bank holiday weekend.

to cut a long story short we decided that to properly appreciate the delights of amsterdam we had better get loaded on speed for 3 days flat and 'go at it'

on day 2 i was flaggin a little and the need to go for a shit was getting desperate.. so i found a little off street very didogy looking bar.. if u have been to amsterdam you know the places im talking about...

the place is about 8ft wide and the bar takes up 3 of that... i ask at the bar for the key to the bog and am handed a key attached to a plastic ashtray the size of a dinner plate.

so i open the bog door aad there is the pot right there... the place was as big as a cupboard.. i sat on the bog and my arse was about 2 inches away from worth walls ! now duch toilets are dodgy fucking things anyway they are the wrong way round with a bit of a shelf deal under your ring and the water under your tatters... so finally i manage to relax (was a bit paranoid in there they sell fresh mushrooms over there too you know) anyway 2 days of speed mushrooms yaegermiester n lager on no sleep n half a footlond hotdog comes out at mach 2 sounding like a silenced machine gun.. it hits the shelf and turns 90 degrees plasters the back of my tatters and my legts and makes a lovely neat brown ring right round the indide of the cupboard.

took me 40mins 1 roll of paper (all they had) and my underwear to clean it up.. and bloody hell did it smell in there.... i came you and the place was deathly quiet... said nowt and legged it...

next time i went to holland to see a friends brother with him... caught short again. at someones house. this time though.. nice n firm no bother.. but no bog paper.. so clever me i wet a flannel and wipe me arse with that ring it out and pop it back... howeve by now the turd has stuck the that bloody shelf thing and the flush wont move it... so in a flash of skunk induced insparation i fire up his power shower on the other side of the room (strange bathroom the shower was just a curtain and the whole room was tiled with a plug in the middle) the shower wassnt reach it thoguh so i popped it onto the 'power shower' setting... had much the same effect as training a minigun on the poor little fella blowing it over the walls and sink n floor... that took 10 mins to herd down the central plughole with the flannel.. which i took with me..

fucking dutch toilets ... dont trust em they r out to get you !
(Fri 22nd Apr 2005, 15:51, More)

» I'm an expert

Burping Words
im an expert in Burping words... so is me sister too but she issnt in my league.

my record is.. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. all in one burp..

go on beat that i bloody dare you !

p.s. if u burp fart and sneeze at the same time you loose control of all you bodily funcions at the same time... it very nearly happened to me and it was pretty bloody scary i can tell you i hanaged to only be sick out of me nose... still thats a risk of us burping pioneers :)

.
(Fri 24th Jun 2005, 9:23, More)

» Useless advice

sounds parental advice.
off me fatha.

more is not better... er yes it fuckin is actually !!

if you go to a foreign country or wales and you meet a girl stick your nicotine finger in her first before you fuck her and if she flinches steer clear she's clapped up..... hmmm thats a keeper


of a random aussie in london..

there is only 3 things you need to know about bieng australian.. no puftaz, no puftaz and no puftaz ! ... what about that gay carnival then ??

.
(Fri 20th Oct 2006, 15:35, More)