b3ta.com user Green-Alsatian
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» Stupid Tourists

Standing in the queue at Burger King in Magaluf after a refreshing evening, a pretty but non-too-bright lass from Blighty asked us what 'excuse me' was in Spanish. Straight-faced, we told her that it was 'Bastardo', figuring she would get the joke.

She only edged her way to the front of the queue politely asking "Bastardo! Bastardo! Can I have some more sauce please?". The look of utter disgust on the Burgersmith behind the counter still makes me laugh to this day!
(Thu 7th Jul 2005, 18:45, More)

» Urban Legends

Purple Aki.
Around Liverpool in the early 80's, terror tales circulated about this modern-day bogeyman, who if he caught you, you were given the choice of being bummed by him, or having your name carved into your arse with a knife. The term 'Pop or Slash?' was coined.

I thought that he was a myth until he was banged up for stalking boys in St. Helens a couple of years ago:


The 'Pop or Slash' bit wasn't true though... or was it?!
(Fri 6th Jan 2006, 13:50, More)

» Essential Items

A Duck Call.
From a gentle rasp, to an almighty quack, it's a source of portable amusement to me.

Plus if the Ducks ever take over, I'll be able to talk my way out of trouble with it.
(Wed 2nd Nov 2005, 12:26, More)

» Weddings

Stuck in the reception.
At my aunt and uncle's wedding, the reception was held in their flat.

The door to the living room had a dodgy handle and one was always told not to slam the door in case the handle fell off, rendering the door unopenable.

It dropped off, trapping the revellers and being six years of age and of a suitable small stature, I was asked to climb through the hatch leading to the kitchen, to open the door from the other side.

Landing in the large bowl of cheap dog food on the other side, I was not best pleased (standing in shit would have stunk less). Trying to get it from their alsatian was a bit trickier as it had decided to gnaw on the cheap plastic handle.

Figuring that it would drop it if I opened the front door, I did so and the mutt bolted for it with the handle in its mouth. Down eight floors I had to chase the bastard before it lost interest in the handle.
(Thu 14th Jul 2005, 18:33, More)

» Job Interviews

During a spate of recruitment...
...a batch of nervous-looking interviewees turned up at work (a rather large company in the game industry that sounds nothing like 'Tony').

I'm busy at work when the awkward screech of the fire alarm forces the human contents of the entire building (only couple of hundred employees) into the car park. In the rain.

Not being a scheduled fire drill, thoughts turn excitedly to 'is there really a fire?'. Well, there was a small fire. In the gents. At the end of a cigarette in the mouth of one of the interviewees, puffing away blissfully unaware of the fully armed and operational smoke alarm above the cubicle.

The whole building knew within ten minutes of returning to work and the best of it is, the silly sausage STILL had to sit through the interview.

Did he get the job? "Amusing comment in the negatory."
(Fri 21st Jan 2005, 23:13, More)
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