» Hidden Treasure

Not hidden gold, but hidden brass...
During a huge fight with my girlfriend I went to the loo for a brief respite. Sitting on the throne I spotted something behind the radiator. I removed the dutsy treasure to find one of her bras. Returning to the fight I threw it at her and told her she could take it with her, along with everything else.

"Oh, good one...", she replied. "It's not mine."
(Thu 30th Jun 2005, 16:18, More)

» The most cash I've ever carried

£40K of Dole Money
In uni hols I used to work in the Remittance Unit of a large city Post Office, sending out anything of face value (stamps, postal-orders, cash, etc) to the various branches.

One day we got a call from the Post Office of a less-salubrious local town: they'd run out of cash, it was unempolyment-benefit giro day, securicor were busy, and things were turning nasty.

So my boss grabbed forty grand and drove us there in his Sierra. As the town-centre was a pedestrian precinct, I had to walk down the high street with £40K 'hidden' in a Tescos bag.

When I got to the Post Office there was this huge queue of irrate dole-scum snaking out of the door and up the street. It was bad enough trying to push my way inside, but I got told to fuck-off by more than 1 'job seeker' as I casually tried to push in and get to the front.

Rather than shouting back, "don't worry mate I'm just trying to drop off a huge bag of cash for you lovely lot", I ended up standing at the back, waving the bag at the counter staff, winking wildly and miming the code-words "REM Unit", until they let me in the secret side door.

Robbers and Scallies: It seems they're not allowed to do this anymore. In case you have any Very Clever ideas.
(Fri 23rd Jun 2006, 15:45, More)

» Hidden Treasure

Chemical Ali.
My saturday job used to be as a gardener at a nearby, and very posh, country house on the river. One day I was clearing reeds near the river and I found an old oil-like barrel hidden amongst them all, probably from the recent flooding. I kicked the barrel over to the house looking for legible markings but I didn't know if I should just throw it in the rubbish? So my boss rang the local health-and-safety quoting a serial number from the barrel - they said they weren't sure and would send someone to take a look.

Next thing I know a fire-engine appears roaring down the dusty single lane track leading to the house. Then another. Then the county chemical accident unit turns up and a fire-man jumps out in full breathing apparatus. Then another fire engine turns up.

I took a step or two away from the barrel.

Turns out it was just petrol.

They then had to reverse onto the lawn to turn around, and fucking ruined it.
(Thu 30th Jun 2005, 16:37, More)

» Weddings

What a pair
The wedding of an upper-class tw?t of a "friend" from Uni.

Best man's speech, speaking of the bridge & groom:
"And I think we'll all agree that they really are a right pair of boring cunts!"

He didn't get many laughs but he did get a kicking from the bride's brothers later on.
(Mon 18th Jul 2005, 20:33, More)

» People with Stupid Names

Vanda Hoogerworth
I went to school with her. She used to walk with her headed titled to one side.
(Thu 26th Aug 2004, 23:15, More)