b3ta.com user Muttley
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Stuck in Texas in the heat and humidity, but getting paid enough to put up with it.....(just)

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» Sex Toys

Old Faithful
My parents came to visit me in the USA a few years ago for a few weeks. They were in their late 70’s. A couple of days after they had left, I get a phone call from my mother. After all the usual chit-chat and pleasantries, she confesses that she’s left something behind that she needs. Yes, she’d left behind Old Faithful, and old-style no-frills type of unit that she’d had for ages. And my dad had forgotten his little blue pills as well. Trying very hard not to piss myself laughing, I say that I’d post them back. I located the articles in question, and rather than touch them I use the inverted plastic bag trick utilized by many a pet owner cleaning up after their animal. But now, I have to now work out what goes on the customs declaration form. I decided to stay simple. Sex toy and Viagra. Value? Sentimental. I tried not to think of it too much after that. Other than to tell my brothers that is.
Okay, so the following year, they are back over. The 3 weeks go past relatively smoothly until the last night. They’ve packed up pretty much everything, and we’re having the last supper. My mother says that she’d already packed pretty much everything so the next day should be simple. I just say that she needs to remember to pack EVERYTHING this time. Both parents looked at me slightly puzzled. I simply repeat myself. At this point my father, usually the slower of the pair, gets my meaning, and says to my mother, “Oh you know”, and then proceeded to do an impression of the vibrator in question….as if it was powered by a 30 megawatt diesel generator. Either that or a road drill, such was the volume of the impression. My mother starts to laugh embarrassed, whilst I’m cringing in my seat. So I say to my dad “You’re not off the hook either. You forgot your pills”. My mother then comes back with “Oh don’t worry. He doesn’t always need them”, and I am left with permanent mental scars and wishing that the ground would open up and let me fall into the bowels of hell, where after having told this story, I no doubt will end up.
(Wed 23rd May 2012, 23:45, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Sick Joke
Q: What should you do after you've f*cked a deaf, mute 12 year old girl?

A: Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone!

or ....

Q: What file can turn a hole this size 'o' into a hole this size 'O'?

A: A Paedophile.
(Fri 10th Sep 2004, 18:56, More)