» Customers from Hell

Cine-Hell
I work at a cinema in the Medway Towns, where the word chav was invented, i have a few such stories.

-Our main screen has two doors, both with a massive '1' above them. the amount of people who cannot comprehend the thought of one room having two doors astounds me, i can only assume they think we have two screen number 1s or that someone stole the 0 from screen 10. when they ask me about it i usually say
"don't worry they both show the same film at the same time", or split them up, telling one half of a group they are in one door and the other half are in the other door.

-we have six tills so we can more convieniently steal enormous amounts of money from you (we are a cinema after all), customers can always be relied upon to stand patiently at an unmanned till, sometimes for minutes at a time, even when staff are vainly trying to call them over to a till when they can actually be served, and then complain about having to wait.

-people at the box office often attmpt to buy tickets with vouchers for another well known cinema chain i do not work for. when i inform them of their error, they then say,
"well where am i now then?" and in my head i think
"if the 20 foot sign above the fucking door didn't help you, i'm not sure i can"

and finally a word on the british queuing reflex.

-when a film is about to begin, people queue outside the screen door, waiting for us to clean the previous rabble's rubbish so they don't have to sit in another persons popcorn/spilled drink/melted ice cream/piss soaked underwear/used condoms/shit filled crisp packets (no, really, but thats another story). Unfortunately, the people of medway are somewhat ungrateful for this service and often come in anyway and get stroppy when we explain we are still cleaning, telling us to hurry up. Naturally i then work slower.
When we are done, the doors are open and the sheep file in.
Once however, i returned to a screen about 20 minutes after having let people in, another queue had spontaneously formed, not at the door or the bottom of the aisle in the screen, but halfway along the corridor between the two, for no reason. i approached the body of people and asked them all why they were queuing here, from within the mass a womans despairing voice replied
"we don't know!"

i rest my case. apologies for length and poor spelling :)
(Fri 5th Sep 2008, 8:58, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

United 93
I don't know if you noticed this, but in the film United 93 a lot of the air traffic control people and military types who were caught up in 9/11 played themselves. I pointed this out to my friend who remarked on how odd it was that nobody on the plane played themselves.

We had literally just watched the film, the credits were still rolling. I had no words.
(Fri 19th Mar 2010, 3:30, More)

» School Trips

7/10 school trips never get further than calais and cite europe. FACT!
Normally it's kids who get lost or left behind, but on one memorable trip my History teacher failed to return, turns out he had a heated and violent bout of fisticuffs with a typically incompetent french driver and ended up spendind a night in a cell in Calais. God knows how he kept his job.
(Tue 12th Dec 2006, 10:45, More)

» Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my!

beware the lucky dip
I work at a cinema, we sell pick n mix, and until recently sold bags of sweets already picked out called 'lucky dip bags' truth is, these were just all the sweets that fell out of their hoppers into the catch tray at the bottom of the pick n mix stand, the retail staff collected them up and rebagged them of an evening to sell again. cunning and totally likely to get the place shut down.

Also, someone once remarked that our hotdogs taste like keys, everyone else just says they're fucking disgusting.
(Sun 23rd Jul 2006, 12:10, More)

» Old People Talk Bollocks

My Granny the bigot
A mate of mine recently went through something of a punk-goth phase and wore a luminous pink fishnet shirt thing to church once, on the way back home Granny begins to comment on andy's strange attire these days, she leans toward me conspiratorially and in a stage whisper the whole street can hear, she utters,

"Is he a Queer?"

old people eh?
(Fri 12th Mar 2004, 12:13, More)