Profile for GroovyGranule:
Once upon a time I lived with 50,000 other granules in a beef Oxo cube. It was very cramped, but it was infintely preferable to being stuck into this boiling hot sauce, and now that this gigantic wooden spoon is poking at me and my friends, I am a lone granule, my closest friends being whisked away behind that huge slice of pepper. Is this granule hell? It sure is hot enough, and is that the devil, looming large above me, stirring with the wooden spoon, like a witch at her cauldron?
There's many vegetables in here, plus the one that they call mince, but they are very large and intimidating and don't speak Stock. It is very wet and as for this searing heat... melting, I'm melting! How I yearn for those halcyon cupboard days.
In my dissolved state I can mingle with the other ex granules. We join together, united inside this bubbling mass. We are one and many. Who cares if this is hell, life is good one more time.
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Once upon a time I lived with 50,000 other granules in a beef Oxo cube. It was very cramped, but it was infintely preferable to being stuck into this boiling hot sauce, and now that this gigantic wooden spoon is poking at me and my friends, I am a lone granule, my closest friends being whisked away behind that huge slice of pepper. Is this granule hell? It sure is hot enough, and is that the devil, looming large above me, stirring with the wooden spoon, like a witch at her cauldron?
There's many vegetables in here, plus the one that they call mince, but they are very large and intimidating and don't speak Stock. It is very wet and as for this searing heat... melting, I'm melting! How I yearn for those halcyon cupboard days.
In my dissolved state I can mingle with the other ex granules. We join together, united inside this bubbling mass. We are one and many. Who cares if this is hell, life is good one more time.
Recent front page messages:
none
Best answers to questions:
» Pet Peeves
PROOF
Doesn't happen very often, but reminded of it on the weekend...
Was at a party having my ear chewed off by some bloke going on about some booze he drank that was stronger than Vodka... the stuff was "sixty per cent - PROOF!"
Which would make it 30% ABV.
Saying "PROOF!" doesn't make you sound hard.
It makes you sound like a fucking moron.
(Thu 8th May 2008, 2:24, More)
PROOF
Doesn't happen very often, but reminded of it on the weekend...
Was at a party having my ear chewed off by some bloke going on about some booze he drank that was stronger than Vodka... the stuff was "sixty per cent - PROOF!"
Which would make it 30% ABV.
Saying "PROOF!" doesn't make you sound hard.
It makes you sound like a fucking moron.
(Thu 8th May 2008, 2:24, More)
» Best Comebacks
Re: tort
One that sticks in memory is when I said something to a mate of mine and he said "is this the face of a man who gives a fuck?"
So I said "is that the face of a man? *That's* the question."
One-nil
(Fri 30th Apr 2004, 14:32, More)
Re: tort
One that sticks in memory is when I said something to a mate of mine and he said "is this the face of a man who gives a fuck?"
So I said "is that the face of a man? *That's* the question."
One-nil
(Fri 30th Apr 2004, 14:32, More)
» Old People Talk Bollocks
Grandads and landlords... featuring old biddies (bonus track)
Ah! My first post! Creepin out of the shadows... anyway, my grandad, God rest his soul (though I say that, I am agnostic, but anyway), used to dismiss everything, in a thick cockney accent, as "thassa loada rubbish!". My current landlord is in his fifties and to boot, he's Iranian, so his English isn't 100%. Being old, he talks in a very long winded style, but here's the gist of a couple of jokes he told me recently...
"A girl goes to the market and buys red knickers. She wears them and shows them to her boyfriend but he doesn't like them, he says she should wear green. So the girl says 'There's green outside, do you want it inside as well?'"
"A man is at his office when his wife rings and says there's a fire at his home. So he goes home and he can't see a fire. He looks in the living room, no fire, looks in the kitchen, no fire, looks in the bathroom, no fire. So he goes into the bedroom, sees his wife there, naked, spread-eagled on the bed, and he says 'Where's the fire?' and she points to her pussy and says 'Here...'.
Then the landlord added his masterstroke, "'..... need water!'"
Also, when I was shown my new house by the landlord, he told me that he wanted the deposit up front, as you'd expect. But he didn't say it like that. He said (and this is the short version) "It's like, when you go to a shop and ask for milk, you want the milk, but the shopkeeper asks for the money first!". And then, bizarrely, he also said "When you go to a club, and you meet a girl, you MUST have the condom, because *you do NOT want the disease*!".
I'm still trying to understand the connection between deposits for houses and HIV. Earlier on today I asked about renting the whole house from him and he talked about twelve year olds and petrol stations that have gone bankrupt... your guess is as good as mine.
Oh! I just remembered. I work part time at a petrol station, and last week a doddery old dear came in to pay for £19 worth of petrol and a bag of Mint Imperials, at a cost of £1.60. She paid for them on her card, at a total cost of £20.60. A few minutes later, Mint Imperials in hand, she came back in to say that the display on the pump read £19, but her card receipt said £20.60. Why the extra £1.60? I swiftly went and pointed out the fact that she'd also paid for the Mint Imperials that were *in her hand* and she finally clicked. Which provided me and the people in the queue with a good chuckle. Ah, the onset of senility. Bless.
(Fri 12th Mar 2004, 21:33, More)
Grandads and landlords... featuring old biddies (bonus track)
Ah! My first post! Creepin out of the shadows... anyway, my grandad, God rest his soul (though I say that, I am agnostic, but anyway), used to dismiss everything, in a thick cockney accent, as "thassa loada rubbish!". My current landlord is in his fifties and to boot, he's Iranian, so his English isn't 100%. Being old, he talks in a very long winded style, but here's the gist of a couple of jokes he told me recently...
"A girl goes to the market and buys red knickers. She wears them and shows them to her boyfriend but he doesn't like them, he says she should wear green. So the girl says 'There's green outside, do you want it inside as well?'"
"A man is at his office when his wife rings and says there's a fire at his home. So he goes home and he can't see a fire. He looks in the living room, no fire, looks in the kitchen, no fire, looks in the bathroom, no fire. So he goes into the bedroom, sees his wife there, naked, spread-eagled on the bed, and he says 'Where's the fire?' and she points to her pussy and says 'Here...'.
Then the landlord added his masterstroke, "'..... need water!'"
Also, when I was shown my new house by the landlord, he told me that he wanted the deposit up front, as you'd expect. But he didn't say it like that. He said (and this is the short version) "It's like, when you go to a shop and ask for milk, you want the milk, but the shopkeeper asks for the money first!". And then, bizarrely, he also said "When you go to a club, and you meet a girl, you MUST have the condom, because *you do NOT want the disease*!".
I'm still trying to understand the connection between deposits for houses and HIV. Earlier on today I asked about renting the whole house from him and he talked about twelve year olds and petrol stations that have gone bankrupt... your guess is as good as mine.
Oh! I just remembered. I work part time at a petrol station, and last week a doddery old dear came in to pay for £19 worth of petrol and a bag of Mint Imperials, at a cost of £1.60. She paid for them on her card, at a total cost of £20.60. A few minutes later, Mint Imperials in hand, she came back in to say that the display on the pump read £19, but her card receipt said £20.60. Why the extra £1.60? I swiftly went and pointed out the fact that she'd also paid for the Mint Imperials that were *in her hand* and she finally clicked. Which provided me and the people in the queue with a good chuckle. Ah, the onset of senility. Bless.
(Fri 12th Mar 2004, 21:33, More)
» World's Sickest Joke
Couple o' sick uns
The expectant father is waiting in the hall for his wife to give birth. He's pacing up and down, back and forth - nervous that something might go wrong with the delivery. Eventually, after much anxious waiting and pacing, the midwife comes out with the baby wrapped in a blanket. As the elated and relieved father walks toward the midwife, she grips the baby by the feet and starts smashing its against the wall, sending blood, brain and shards of bone spraying everywhere. The father screams in horror "What the hell are you doing!?" "Take a joke, man", the midwife says, pausing for a moment and letting the carcass drip onto the floor. "It was stillborn!"
What do you do once you've eaten a vegetable?
Put them back in the wheelchair
(Sun 12th Sep 2004, 16:34, More)
Couple o' sick uns
The expectant father is waiting in the hall for his wife to give birth. He's pacing up and down, back and forth - nervous that something might go wrong with the delivery. Eventually, after much anxious waiting and pacing, the midwife comes out with the baby wrapped in a blanket. As the elated and relieved father walks toward the midwife, she grips the baby by the feet and starts smashing its against the wall, sending blood, brain and shards of bone spraying everywhere. The father screams in horror "What the hell are you doing!?" "Take a joke, man", the midwife says, pausing for a moment and letting the carcass drip onto the floor. "It was stillborn!"
What do you do once you've eaten a vegetable?
Put them back in the wheelchair
(Sun 12th Sep 2004, 16:34, More)