» You're a moviestar baby

Pillow Fight Club
17:15 : Left Work
17:20 : Hailed Black Taxi to St. Pauls Cathedral
17:30 : Arrive at St. Pauls with pillow

Now Here I am clad in my bestest pin stripes, white shirt, blue fleur de lys tie looking every inch Micheal Caine on pies...tentatively fingering the pillow in my work bag I spy a few hundred student, creatives, a few suits and some Goth cross dressers all nervously clutching large suspiciously pillow shaped carrier bags.

17:35 : A final cigarette, I have a final letter in my top pocket and my glasses are off ready for the impending pillowy violence
17:40 : A shrill whistle blown by a little daigo type character and I draw my pilow from the bag like a latter day viking and I join the battle with a full throated cry of madness

I club a number of various people, generally concentrating on the whoopsies, short folk, foreign types and the occasional cute girl, everyone is laughing and twatting the nearest person for all they're worth, then disaster, someone with a duck down pillow catches me a glancing blow across the temple and I stumble temporarily blinded, Goliath momentarily stopped! Three smallish italian looking types are on my immediately but they're too late, my composure regained I fel lthe first one with a mighty blow of my pillow and then turn on my heel ducking to catch a second with a vicious pillowy uppercut then I round on the final one who panics, fear in his eyes I draw back my mighty pillow like a latter day Thor and he is taken out by my mate from work I've gone with. Then back to back we wreck a terrible retribution on those within clumping range, truly cry havoc and unleash the pillows of war! A man possessed I twirl, spin, duck and thump then a final whistle and it's is over. We hoist our pillows skyward and yell like we've just done the frnechies at Agincourt. very stirring stuff I tell you. I then have a camera thrust in my face and a number of odd questions asked of me. In the post battle euphoria I am verbose...

Interviwer pleb : So why did you come down here today
Dan : To maim and injure.
Interviwer pleb : (nervous laugh) no really
Dan : I wanted to get a couple of eyes out, you know really hurt someone, I saw someone putting brick in their pillow case but he didn't have enough to lend me.
Interviwer pleb : (more nervous laughter) and what do you think of this then
Dan : London needs more Pillowy Violence
Interviewer pleb : thank you
Dan : Thank you .

Then I twatted him with my pillow just so he knew I meant business and went off to the pub. Six pints of extra strength kraut lager later and I in my flat watching the news on BBC1 and then there I am on the F*CKING TV whacking someone with my pillow, pissed and laughing I flick onto ITV news only to see my grinning face telling the camera "I wanted to get a couple of eyes out, you know really hurt someone, I saw someone putting brick in their pillow case but he didn't have enough to lend me." and then I am made up 10 O'Clock news on BBC1 and ITV! Fantastic the cherry on the cake is also make Channel 4 news with Peter Snow saying 'Looks like jolly good fun'...

I never apologise for my length.
(Thu 11th Nov 2004, 15:33, More)

» My Worst Vomit

Chinese - Alchie - Boss - Saga
I'm not often sick, it doesn't happen because I have a wonderful constitution oh no I make sure it doesn't happen owing to the burning sensation and the vurps that you will do for 24 hours after throwing up. All vile and no thanks, however occasionally vomit can be a beautiful thing.

Promoted at work, boss takes me out for a drink. Boss is big alchie who can't hold a pint glass until he's had at least four pints because of the shakes. Me heap big tosspot (as the native Americans would have it no doubt) decides I will match this booze hound drink for drink. Stupid, stupid, stupid boy. Two hours and 9 pints later I am utterley spactically drunk, I have marginally less control over my body than Steven Hawking altohugh more rhythm it must be said. Seems like a good idea to eat and try and soothe the savage beast that is my prodigous drunkeness.

The first bite of crispy aromatic duck hits taste bud and I have to go and be a little sick. Halfway across the restaurant my stomach muscles are trying to leap out of my ears and I realise it's hand over the mouth time. I just make the kharzi door as sick splays out from between my fingers in the manner of a lawn sprinkler, so far so fucking terrible. I shamble into the gents hurl a huge parabolic arc of nastiness over both urinals then crawl to the trap where i heave my aching guts up into toilet bowl for what seems like three weeks. After this get up wiping the bloody great slaves of puke off of me as best I can and decide to enjoy a cigarette. Needless to say I doze off and am woken by two very upset chinese chaps wanting "OU' OF FRUCKING RESTAUWANT NOW" as I am led out of the toilet towards the exit (my boss lying on the floor laughing and being helped to reach his visa) I slip in some of the earlier sicky by the toilet door and bring down a trolley piled high with some poor girls hen night feast...and do you know after the cavalcade of sick I felt much much better.

I make no apology for my girth.

Goodnight I love you all.
(Wed 25th Aug 2004, 17:48, More)

» Walkman Flashbacks

Toss Loader
I hate the band and I hate the song, but when my son was born it always seemed to be on the bloody radio when I was putting him to bed. So I'd be jiggling about with 5 pounds of milky pooey loveliness in my arms...Whenever I hear it now I can smell milky burps and feel cradle cap under my chin.

Apologies for the maudlin content.
(Thu 24th Mar 2005, 11:04, More)

» Inventions You're Too Lazy To Make

A portable electro magnetic pulse machine
Folks,

Lets face it we've all had some twat in a BMW next to us throwing out 'CHOONS' at testicle vibrating volume and then as you chance to glance at the said twat they assume you want a race. Annoyed? Contemplating the benefits of eugenics? Wish them and their entire gene pool dead in a tragic house fire? Fret no more! merely goad them into further revving then as the lights chage to amber, hit the EMP machine and leave them at the lights shouting and swearing at the wheel of their hitlerian crack dealer mobile as you coast off at a sedate 20mph, casually flicking "V's" as you motor away into the distance. Also a horn that sounds like a police siren would be good for driving through Brixton after lights out.
(Thu 8th Apr 2004, 14:24, More)

» The last thing that made me cry

twang
I didn't cry but by Christ it brought a tear to my eye I can tell you. The perenium (sic?) or for those in the know the banjo...the little bit of skin that attaches Kojaks hat to the back of his neck. In my new(ish) girlfriends bath (big bubbly job) getting frisky, fumbling and in my haste went in a little too quickly...A shooting pain, an audible pop and withdraw sraying blood over the porcelin like a special effect in a bad horror film. My god the pain, but more the mental anguish of seeing the poor fella dribbling claret and then the nearly three weeks of blue balls that followed while I waited for him to finish his R&R.

I do apologise for length and girth as if I'd been a little bit titchier t'would never have happened. Sorry it wasn't about a much loved family pet carking it.
(Mon 18th Apr 2005, 17:04, More)