» Stuff You've Overheard

In Bali
a rotund, perspiring American gentleman was having trouble making himself understood to the pidgin-english speaking chappie at the train ticket office.

No matter how loud or slowly he spoke, he couldn't understand what the local chappie was saying. Exasperated and needing help, our yankee doodle dandy turned round to my australian friend's dad, who was behind him in the queue:

"Excuse me, do YOU speak American?" asked the American.

"American? No, mate" replied the Aussie.

And with that, the American turned back to the ticket office counter and continued his painful dialogue, wishing for all the world for someone who spoke his language.
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 15:38, More)

» My Wanking Disasters

flat share
Feeling the urge I ran home to my flat, which I shared with 2 other guys. One had his posh parents visiting. They liked the nice boy image i projected whenever they were around, and so i had to delay my self love for exchanging 'how do you do's. At the earliest but politest opportunity I took my leave and laid out all my magazines on my bed at their best pages. A couple of minutes later my other flatmate burst in wanting to borrow something. From my position behind the bed he couldn't see what i was doing, but the magazines on the bed were a clear give away. He didn't get it, so I had to resort to saying "Sorry, Wayne, but I'm having a wank". He still didn't get it. I ended up shouting 'NOT NOW, I'M HAVING A WANK!'

This time he got it. He replied "Oh yes...so you are" and left the room. When I came out smiling a few minutes later it was quite clear from the pained faces of my friend's parents that they got what I was doing too.
(Wed 2nd Jun 2004, 14:59, More)

» When I met the parents

not me, but my best friend
used to enjoy his young girlfriend when her victorian-stlye parents were out shopping. He met the parents one time when they came home early and found him and their beloved angelcakes naked on the living room floor. Victorian dad just looks and stares, then walks out saying nothing. Angelcakes and my best friend sit there in shock and fear, not knowing what to do.

Three minutes later Victorian dad re-enters to see Angelcakes and friend sitting shell-shocked on the sofa. He then bellows "I AT LEAST THOUGHT YOU'D HAVE THE DECENCY TO PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON!" The result is the sight of my friend running naked across the garden by Victorian dad brandishing a rolled up copy of The Daily Telegraph.
(Fri 20th May 2005, 15:25, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

More Americans
This time walking around the ruins of Pompeii. On some of the walls you can still see murals and the roman lettering enscripted on it. One middle-aged septic sees the ancient roman numerals and exclaims "Oh my gawd! That writing! It's so modern!"

At the amphi-theatre, another middle-aged septic looks around this ancient space and says "It's like a baseball field. Do you think the Romans based it on that?"
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 16:10, More)

» Have you ever been rude to a celebrity?

Jeremy Beadle
Being 14 and living in a small town I didn't get to see many people "off the telly" . So when out shopping with my grandparents in sunny Hemel Hempstead, I have to rather shamefully admit to being quite excited to see Mr Withered Hand opening a furniture store.

I ran over to join the bunch of younger children clamouring for his autograph. My enthusiasm started to subside as he favoured signing autographs for the little kids, even when it was obviously my turn. I became more vocal to get his attention, but Jezza kept telling me to wait. My grown up retort was "Mr Beadle, you are an utter cunt".

Then I skipped back to my grandparents sans signature, and we went to Wimpy.
(Fri 16th Apr 2004, 12:35, More)