» Near Death Experiences

Back in the day
Apparently, this happened to me as a little kid, but I can't remember how it all went on.

OK, my brother has a death wish against me. My mum says she's quite suprised I survived my childhood after all that my brother did to me. I'll explain in several short stories:

1) When I was still really small: I was in what was referred to in my family as the 'bouncy chair'. This was a fabric chair/rocker thing with a springy base, allowing for general uppity-down movement. The following occured:

MUM: Look after him whilst I go to the kitchen.
BRO: Sure thing.
*BRO bounces me in chair*
*BRO proceeds to save energy by using foot instead of hand to bounce me*
CHAIR: Boing Boing Boing Boing Boing WHEEEEE!
*Baby seen hurtling through air*
*thunk*
BABY: Waaa!

2) When I was still in a pushchair, and on a campsite, my brother's birthday occurred. His main present: a pair of roller skates.

Now, I have no idea what he was thinking of, but he thinks 'now wouldn't it be a great idea to go down this hill wearing my rollerskates and taking the baby with me?' So....

*BRO moving slowly down hill*
*BRO speeding slowly up*
*BRO reaching high speed*
*BRO spots traffic-filled road at bottom of hill*
*BRO realises he's failed to learn how to break*
*BRO performs emergency landing, tilting both himself and pushchair onto ground*
*thunk*
BABY: Waaa!

3) A little older now, say in my 7's-8's. Me and Bro sitting in the front room, bro's leg resting on coffee table.

I sit on Bro's leg.
Bro bounces leg.
Bounce, bounce, bounce.
Bro removes leg.
I fall, biting into table.

There's still teethmarks on the corner to this day.

and 4) OK, I was now 12-13ish. I, after picking up a new copy of a game, rush towards the front door.

My bro, sitting in his car parked in front, decides to open the door at the precise moment I was passing.

*crunch* Weeeeee... into the flowerbed. Find that there was ample amounts of blood pouring out of my leg to warrant me a trip to the hospital, where they informed me that they saw no point anaestising me and proceeded to put stitches on the wound whilst I was still fully conscious. THAT almost killed me. :(
(Tue 30th Nov 2004, 3:15, More)

» Booze Related Disasters

Crump! Crump! CRUMP!
Right, so me and my girlfriend were throwing a house party to celebrate the end of our final year at Sixth Form and the start of summer. Everyone got absolutely plastered, as always, but most were able to grab a bed and sleep till morning.

At about 4am, (10 Eastern Time, 11 Central), laying in bed, me and said girlfriend heard this noise. It said the following: 'kerrump, Kerrump, KERRUMP!'. Notably concerned about what was happening, we tip-toed downstairs, blunt object in hand to ward off any break-ins.

We open the dining-room door to find....... 3 incredibly drunk people crushing plastic cups with 5-10kg weights! When confronted with questions, the leader merely replied 'Hey... why don't you join us? It's so fun!'. We declined and said to crush quietly, and then went back to bed.

On another note, I was once at a party where we thought it would be hilarious (to gain access to a room somebody had locked themselves in) to shoot party poppers under the door. Little did we realise that he was standing with his back to it... in bare feet.

'BANG!' went the poppers.
'BOLLOCKS!' said the Matt.
(Fri 19th Mar 2004, 13:10, More)