b3ta.com user sporky
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» Petty Sabotage

smoke-y fire-y
Remembered another one. A couple of weeks ago, sat around smoking weed and being bored, my friends decided they had a vendetta against this one lad who'd grassed them up to the police some time before.

He was due to come round and so action needed to be taken. After some deliberation we noticed that one guy had been cutting off match heads and had a huge pile of them.


Proceeded to roll a short joint, containing a slight amount of hash, but mostly tobacco and a large quantity of match heads. We burnt the end to make it seem as though it was half-smoked then waited til the lad turned up.

'Spliff mate?'

He sat there smoking it, we sat there with our dopey grins, a girl next to me videoing him on her phone.

A minute later, the entire joint burst into flames that shot right back to his lips, never seen someone scream so loud or move so fast. It was, to put it one way, fucking hilarious.

Added bonus in watching him pass on every joint he was offered that night and looking nervous when people gave him cigarettes.
(Sun 8th May 2005, 13:24, More)

» When I met the parents

coming out in style.
Her story, ain't mine.

Backstory: I am a woman who is interested in other women. After skirting round the issue with parents for many years, I brought my gf home. I wasn't too up on telling them, so I just introduced her as a mate.

We went upstairs, randomed, drank lots, went for a walk. Got home. She said she wanted to sleep. I turned the lights off, she jumped me. We proceeded to have very amazing loud sex for an hour or so before my phone started ringing.


'Will you two keep the fucking noise down?'

We've been together nearly two years now and mother STILL won't let us forget that. Neither will the rest of the family.
(Sun 22nd May 2005, 11:26, More)

» Now, there was no need for that...

oh the pain
Some sort of party thing a year or so ago. New Year's, birthday, Christmas, weekend, Friday, something like that. Had just suffered the indignity of being told my girlfriend had gone off with my best mate.

Figured it couldn't get worse. Attended the party and decided to go get ratarsed with some other mates.

Several beers down and needing a piss. The women's toilets are blocked (it was a massive concert hall type thing we'd hired) and so I wandered into the gents, which was mysteriously empty.

A split second after I opened the cubicle door, I heard a panicked 'no don't come in here!' followed by an image which will be forever burned into my mind.

My ex, sat naked on the toilet, with my mate wanking furiously in her face.

'Don't worry' slurred the ex. 'She's seen it all before'

(Wed 22nd Jun 2005, 16:30, More)

» Toilets

The horror, god the horror.
It would have been Year 6 in Primary school. Sat in a maths lesson, a kid in the year below put his hand up and asked to go to the loo. Teacher let him.

About 30 minutes later he reappears looking ashen-faced. Teacher asks if he's ok, he says he's fine. Very quiet for the last half of the lesson though.

Leaving for break, we find the reason why. There's a strange smell radiating from the boy's loos, and at that time there were no doors, you could look right in, though there were doors on stalls.

My male friends wander in and come back out again with a look of utter horror I have not seen again to this day.

They dragged me in to look, and the kid had somehow managed to shit all over the cubicle. All over the seat, door, walls and floor.

It was beyond horrendous.

The best bit was leaving that day to find our headteacher hunched over in the cubicle, marigolds on, up to her elbows in liquid shit because the caretaker was away on holiday.
(Mon 5th Sep 2005, 15:01, More)

» Messing with the Dark Side

My sexy clone.
Staying with the missus about a year ago, her parents were away so we'd set up camp in their bedroom with the big bed, etc.

We decided to go to the pub for a while, and returned at around 12am. Not very drunk, just slightly pissed, if that.

Got into bed, the usual. At around 2am I was awoken by her hitting me to death. I asked her what the hell she was doing, and she told me she was checking I was still there because she could see me stood at her side of the bed.

I told her to shut up.

Then I looked.

And there I was, watching us both. It was utterly bizarre.
(Sat 22nd Apr 2006, 16:56, More)
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