» Accidental innuendo

the what?
my daughter, trying to read to her younger sibling asked if he wanted to hear the story of "the tortoise and the whore"

im STILL trying to explain why i turned bright red, fell on the floor and almost coughed up a lung laughing
(Fri 13th Jun 2008, 1:36, More)

» School fights

the ONLY fight ive ever been in
not at school but still legendary....

july 199something 'the mayfair' House of pain concert

some arse starts on a friend of mine (bad idea) cue much posturing and a threat from a bouncer and it calms down after a promise of "after the gig im going outside to wait for and im gonna put you through the shop window next door to venue"

some music and beer later we go to toilet ~ having now forgotten about said promise of fight and being already bruised and battered from mosh pit hi-jinx

picture 3 guys pissing ~ the weakest skinniest i laugh in the face of danger then run like a girl until im far enough away finishes first (yes me) mate 2 is pouring water over his head as he is sweaty...mate 3 is STILL pissing

i go to leave bathroom and am confronted by earleir asshole and his 3 mates....great 4 vs 1/2 so i begin to talk my way out of it...(still dont know if i would have succeeded)

then suddenly i feel a shove from behind as i am pushed out of way by mate 1 as he clobbers this guy he had a prob with then continues to beat the shite out of him as he goes down

the rest of us looked shocked....so i think hang on 4 vs 1 1/2 is better odds and i smack the guy in front of me in the mouth ~ he stands there and looks at me with a did you just hit me or breathe on me look on his face as we hear a loud roar from other end of toliet....

mate 3 ~ still fully exposed and pissing everywhere comes running sown the length of the bathroom and takes out the other two guys and begins kicking crap out of them....

ok i think...im letting the side down here and this guy in front of me is still in some kind of shock (think it was mate 3's penis not my punch though)

so he looks back at me ~ i see a fist clenching so i do what any red blooded male would do....

yes, i kicked him in the nuts...NOW he goes down

we pull mate one off the poor guy who started it and leave

outside is a semi-large police presence....we melt into crowd and leave...

next day at work i see dan, who was also supossedly attenting said concert...he comes over and says did you hear about some fight in the toilets last night at the concert?

i grin...oh yes.....

ya ya length/girth/you love it etc etc
(Tue 14th Mar 2006, 21:38, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

in case of fire....
ya know those signs telling you to stay calm etc etc well ours read..

In Case of Fire

RUN LIKE FUCK!


i *SWEAR* i didnt write it on though...i was health and safety rep after all
(Thu 3rd May 2007, 21:10, More)

» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

dont mention the war!
my grandad did a lot of work behind enemy lines during the war....collaborating mainly

and upon being asked if he had any WWII memorobelia he replied "well i've still got a bit of shrapnel stuck in my arse"

(some or all of this may be made up)
(Sat 25th Mar 2006, 18:33, More)

» Rock and Roll Stories

how i nearly met steve vai
ive told this story so many times now on the interweb or to anyone that will listen.....

working a SHITE job at an airport late one night during off season (read boring as hell as no flights means no people) i spotted a gentleman who i thought was some aged old rocker trying to look like steve vai (ripped jeans...open poufy shirt....wild eyed look...etc etc)

so anyways i hold in the sniggers and work the till to cash his food....and his bill come to 6.66 (i kid you not...AND i undercharged so steve you owe me one!)

i again held back laughs.....

anyway workmate comes over later on and says "your into that metal shite....do you know a steve vai?" "yes" i says "there was some guy in before looks like him"

"it was him ~ he played here last night and was signing some stuff for those guys" points over yonder

"fucksocks"

IF ONLY ID GOTTEN HIM TO SIGN THAT DAMNED RECIEPT!!!!

id have made a fortune on the ebay

also i heard that just before he died phil lynott flew out from our airport....i still wonder if our food killed him

on edit ~ i forgot the obligatory length/girth comment and apologies for the crassness of my phil lynott comment ~ but its true none the less
(Thu 29th Jun 2006, 21:27, More)