» Conned

Bracelets
I think this is a fairly common con amongst tourist hotspots in Europe; I've certainly seen it in at least 3 countries.

Anyway, in Rome this summer my friends and I were ascending the Spanish Steps when a friendly looking Brazilian man lassos my friend Fred's little finger with some red, green and white thread. Fred, sporting (and perhaps a little naive) as he is, goes along with this and attempts to make his excuses to leave in his very British manner, mumbling something along the lines of "That's really quite lovely of you, honestly, it's just that we've quite a lot on this afternoon. I hate to have to rush off like this..."

However, the Brazilian was clearly a boy scout in his youth and is hurriedly threading a friendship bracelet (still anchored to Fred's little finger). The rest of us stand around, openly laughing at this predicament. Fred, getting more agitated attempts to be assertive and tells his newfound friend that he really now is going. At this, a second Brazilian (this one resembling not a boy scout but rather a wrestler) melds out of the crowd as they begin to negotiate prices.

Thinking quickly, I pull out my camera and decide to take some scenic shots of the city and it's associated con artists. This gets the Brazilian chaps visibly worried and they seem to be stuck between wanting to push the camera out of my hands and squeezing their victim for every centine he has. Fred sees this, and decides to take the upper hand. Having previously been invoiced for 20 Euros he now offers a single Euro coin to his captors.

"C'mon", they say weakly "Be fair". "Oh, yes" says Fred "We must be FAIR about this" placing the coin in their hand before walking off.
(Sat 20th Oct 2007, 16:21, More)

» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

Royal Mail
1. Your postman is not your friend. They probably don't know your name.
2. They aren't happy to stand and rifle through six bags of mail to find your phone bill when you bump into them. This does not save them time.
3. If you find amongst your letters one for a house you do not live in, do not come outside and give it to them. This is not helping. They posted it through your door having missed the correct house previously, and thought that you weren't in or were too senile to reach the letters before they made their swift escape. Go and put in back in a post box, this is what they will do.
4. Chasing your postman down the road whilst shouting at them will not endear you to them.
5. If they can't hear you because they're listening to music, appreciate that their job is dull rather than advising them to stop this at once so that you can stop them at will to ask if you have a parcel.
6. If they haven't delivered a parcel/letter to you, even if you are expecting it, it hasn't yet come. They haven't got it.
7. They don't know where your parcel/letter is.
8. They didn't ring the bell to give you your parcel, no matter what they say. They left it on the door step. In a puddle.
9. Don't bother complaining to the delivery office. The manager won't listen or take notice, most of their morning is taken up with listening to customer complaints.
10. Leaving a hefty Christmas tip is the ultimate remedy to any of these problems, and your postmen will suddenly become your best friend for as little as £10 a year.
(Wed 3rd Oct 2007, 15:25, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

Inky
I have an adorable, long-suffering cat. Jet black, at the tender age of 4 I decided that Inky was an appropriate name for her.

Her first near death experience was when my older brother decided that kittens needed baths. Having finished in the tub himself, he threw her in. The rest of the household was made aware of his plans only by a screeching, warbled meow as a small ball of bubbles threw itself down the stairs. After a few hours of cuddling she seemed okay again.

About 2 years later I was holding her in the kitchen, spinning myself around and around as fast as possible when, giddy with dizziness, I spinned her head face first into the kitchen door frame. I'd never seen anything, let alone my beloved kitty cat, bleed out of its eyes, nose, mouth and ears before. This took about a good weeks worth of cuddling to cure.

The kitchen door decided to strike back at Inky, about another 10 years later. As everyone knows, it's not just Indiana Jones who takes pleasure from diving through fast-closing doorways. Sadly, on this occasion my dad didn't see poor little Inky running through as he slammed the door; the tip of her tail was pinned between door and its frame. What I remember about this was that she was silent. It was only a stretch of skin and fur, about 3 inches long wedged in the door way that suggested anything was wrong; compounded by the fact that the tip of my cats tail was now only very bloody bone. Cue another trip to the vets, and the bloody stump being sawn off.

This isn't even the worst injury she's had, though. About 2 years ago my parents decided to have an extension built. Inky was at this time about 13 or 14; quite old for a kitty. All the noise and confusion seemed to somehow tip her over the edge. She started shunning spending time with us. Then we noticed that her under-belly was going bald. Eventually she would sit around the house, not eating or drinking. Again, we took her to the vets.

The vet had to file down her teeth, and prescribe a certain dietary food. Furthermore, he explained her baldness was due to over-grooming. They couldn't be certain of the reasons for this, but suggested it was almost definitely psychosomatic. We'd finally turned our beloved cat insane.

It's okay, though, she's still going strong and now my dead is essentially medically retired they keep each other company all day long. In many ways, they've never gotten on so well as they do now, and she's never seemed so happy. She still over-grooms, though.
(Sun 9th Dec 2007, 17:22, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Hilarious, and very nasty
This works best when dropped into a serious conversation about the Holocaust/Second World War/Nazi's etc.

"My grandfather died in the Holocaust. It was really awful. He fell off his guard tower".
(Sat 8th Apr 2006, 15:37, More)