b3ta.com user porky
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» Schadenfreude

King of the Wild Frontier
Many moons ago when I was a mere piglet I with my cohorts ventured up to London to see Motorhead at The Hammersmith Odeon.
There was also I believe a concert of Bob Dylan at Earls Court on the same night if memory serves.
Imagine the scene, the tube train is jam packed with Crusties, Punks, Headbangers and Hippies when along come a fifty something couple laden down with suitcases who manage to enter the already packed carriage.
Unfortunately they were not quite as sprightly as they might have been and the doors shut fast on the last of their cases.
As the elderly gent bent over to wrestle with the case a "helpful" guard walked by a gave the end a prod with his foot.
Wham! The door slammed shut once more only this time the recipient of door induced pain was not the suitcase but the head of the elderly gent which was now firmly wedged in place.
A hushed and awestruck silence decended on the carriage, would the mans head "pop" off not unlike the top of his morning egg?
Finally after some wince inducing moments and cries of "John, John, are you okay" from the mans spouse the door reopened and the man reeled backwards into the packed carriage with a red face and tears in his eyes.
Unfortunately for John the only real damage the door had left was a thick black line either side of his face where the rubber seal had been squashed against him.
The uncomfortable silence was broken by a lone voice piping up from the rear of the carriage "look, it's Adam Ant!"
Cue 300 crusties collapsing in hysterics and two ashen faced old dears suffering in silence.
It must have been 20 odd years ago but I can remember every hilarious moment like it happened this morning.
24 carat comedy gold.
John I salute you.
(Fri 18th Dec 2009, 18:17, More)

» Famous people I hate

Paul McCartney
yeah, you were in the Beatles, we know.

We also know that since spliting with the talented half of your writing team you haven't recorded anything remotely of interest.

Special award must go to this blokes amazing "look at me" smugness whenever wheeled out as he milks the adoration ( normally from 'merkins)
(Thu 4th Feb 2010, 12:30, More)

» Accidentally Erotic

A pain in the neck
I had a muscle spasm in my neck which left me in a great deal of pain - I could hardly move and when I did would get horrific bowell jarring spasms of intense pain.
So Mrs Porky loaded me into the car and took me into the countryside to see a chiropractor and ayervedic healer.A woman. A strangely alluring woman.With "healing" hands.
Anyway she got me to strip down to my grundies and proceeded to "manipulate" my neck, head, shoulders and spine.This had the alarming effect of losening these areas of my body and making others er....hard.
Anyway to cut a long story short she mentioned that she thought my breathing was a little laboured and then proceeded to listen to my heart with her stethoscope after which, she pronounced that she was worried about my ticker and possible blood pressure.
She then wrote to my doctor who called me in for a once-over with the comment " bit tasty then was she?"
(Fri 3rd Feb 2006, 13:59, More)

» Political Correctness Gone Mad

Acting, as I sometimes do in my middle management role , as head of HR I had to speak to Job Centre Plus to arrange a posting of an employment opportunity on their database.
I carefully wrote a job description along the lines of " energetic,hard working person (NOT man - that would've been sexist)required to tote that barge, lift that bale etc in a hellhole warehouse in central London"
The, what seemed like, fifteen year old "adviser" at the Job centre demured, stating that "you can't put "hard working" as that would discriminate against "people who didn't have the same work ethic as others".
I wouldn't mind but the "candidates" that they put forward for the position would have disgraced Maccy D.
(Fri 23rd Nov 2007, 8:30, More)

» Conspiracy Theories

Conspiracy Theory Royale
I was in an Indian restaurant in Milton Keynes once when I overheard a conversation stating that, all McDonalds Burgers are in fact made from Soya protein and that their claim of being 100% Beef is absolutely true because their engineered soya product has been patented as a product called "100 percent Beef".
(Fri 2nd Dec 2011, 13:38, More)
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