b3ta.com user Avalanche
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Old enough to know better, young enough not to care.

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» Ripped Off

Dodgy Scouse Conman
A few years back when I was studying for my A-levels I left college to wander home.

A rather dubious looking bloke wanders across the road and asks if I'd like to buy a CD player (this was about 14 years ago). I declined the offer but he then produces a catalogue of musical equipment and tells me that he has a bit to shift and doesn't know where to get rid of it.

Starting to suspect that he was a rip-off merchant I declined and said I was new to the area.

He then pulls out some PC components from his rather old and tattered bag and asks if I wanted to buy some PC's. The guy wasn't at all clued up on the parlence and we got chatting.

He tells me that his 'mate' is in a van and they can bring me a couple of these nicked PC's to a pub of my choice for £80.

I agree to take a look at them and tell him if they are shit he's going to be short of a sale.

We retire the to the nearest pub where he buys me a pint and he goes to the phone to call his mate. He returned shaking his head saying that his mate was worried as he'd seen a lot of old bill around and wanted to wait half hour or so.

Fine, the bloke buys me a couple more pints and heads off to the phone again. This time he comes back saying that we should go and meet the van around the back of the industrial estate and that I should have the cash on me incase I want to buy stuff.

Alarm bells start ringing, he tells me that he needs the toilet and wanders off.

I grabbed his bag of stuff and promptly fucked off at high speed. The entire electrical contents upon closer inspection were worth fuck all - but it did include his clothes, wash bag (unused) and 200 smokes.

Gave the clothes and the bag to a charity shop on the way home and kept the cigarettes.

The following week there was an article in the local rag about some Scouse conman who had ripped off 3 students in a neighbouring town. He fitted the description perfectly.

Never seen or heard of again.
(Fri 16th Feb 2007, 14:09, More)

» Well, that taught 'em

A few years back there was a young seemingly friendless student type that used to frequent my local pub. He'd butt into peoples conversations and generally be a right pain in the arse.

One Friday night he was spotted picking up a few stray pints and downing the contents.

Being of a slightly evil nature my friends and I hatched a plan. 5 minutes later there was a half full pint glass with 5 types of piss in it. I sauntered over to the fruit machine, dropped a couple of quid in and left the pint on the top of the machine.

I wandered off to the toilet and came out to sit with my friends again, poor little student looked sheepishly around before grabbing the pint and taking a very large mouthful.

He turned a nice shade of green, staggered to the door and out into the cold night air.

He was last seen hunched double spewing out his dinner 10 yards from the pub window with about 40 people pointing and laughing.
(Thu 26th Apr 2007, 15:26, More)

» School Trips

Ski-ing in France
Last year of secondary school, 1994.

One week of getting drunk and stoned in a piss poor French Ski resort.

Staying in a room with 5 mates all carrying 1/2 oz of Morroco's finest. Stories about customs and strip searches led to them paying me a 1/8 each to carry it all across or them. Charging the other kids on the trip £15 for a 1/16 of quite frankly appaling resin lightened my mood immensly.

On the second day we met a group of girls from somewhere in London and proceeded to spend nearly every night climbing out of our bedroom windows, shimmying down the drainpipe onto the garage roof and climbing down from there to meet the girls in a local bar.

All was going swimmingly well, my new found wealth proving rather popular with the girls. We decided on the penultimate night to throw a little party, queue myself getting caught lugging a crate of lager up the hotel stairs and only had half confiscated by the slurring PE teacher. An event that was later to have consequences.

the girls were snuggled into the room with a few of their mates, a select few more of ours and things are going rather well, at around midnight there is a hammering at the door and two teachers (incredibly drunk) are demanding the rest of the beer. Picture seven 16 year olds holding the door shut while a dozen girls try to hide and two other mates stash every trace of drug paraphenalia into pockets and socks.

The teachers eventually gained entrance and searched the place for beer. 10 minutes later they were skulking back to the shadows with a paltry haul of a dozen small bottles of the local lager.

The next day I was taken aside by the PE teacher and told that he hadn't mentioned the incredible putrid odour of hash to the other teachers as if I'd had the balls to bring some the least he could do was let me smoke it in peace.

Spend the penultimate day off the slopes with one of the girls on the pretence of having a dodgy gut (the local cuisine was appaling and no further questions were asked). Lost track of time and my mates returned to catch her and I in flagrante in the kitchen.

On the last evening the teachers all gave up and allowed every single person on the trip to get lorded on the promise that they weren't sick on the coach back the following afternoon. Shockingly nobody was although there were a few close calls. Wine flavoured belches etc etc.

Length? I could fuck myself.

QOTW L-plates burned.
(Mon 11th Dec 2006, 15:01, More)

» What's the hardest you've tried to get dumped?

Kind of on point.....a test scenario that may prove handy in the future.
I staggered in last weekend at around 3am having spent the previous 12 hours drinking with half a dozen good friends of mine.

I crawled up the stairs to bed and in the process managed to wake the current missus from her slumber. Once I'd freed myself from the restraints of clothing I decided I was hungry and announced that I was going down stairs to make some cheese on toast. A couple of minutes of bumbling around the fridge and I was joined by 'her indoors'.

She had decided that it would be better to cook for me (as my free swinging genitals are a fire risk apparently). I decided that as her reward I'd recreate the scene from Silence of the Lambs where Buffalo Bill tucks his flaccid dong between his legs and prances to add effect I started singing a very bad rendition of "Goodbye Horses" by Q Lazzarus.

Imagine my horror when she just stared in disbelief and asked what was wrong with me and if I was sure I'm happy with her. I laughed like a Hyena and wolfed down the late night snack before staggering off to bed.

It hasn't been mentioned since......
(Thu 5th Jun 2008, 17:08, More)

» When Animals Attack

Just last night "her indoors" was peacefully dozing when a purple headed womb ferret attacked her - apparently smacking it and telling it to fuck off works wonders.

It crawled back into it's nice warm cotton nest but I have a feeling it will rear it's ugly head again tonight.
(Thu 24th Apr 2008, 17:14, More)
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