b3ta.com user diablo290582
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» Teenage Parties

Oh dear...
When I was 13 I decided to attend a party at a friends house. I told my mum that we were going up there to play a tourament on the Sega megadrive. I even grabbed a bundle of games to make it look as authentic as possible.

As soon as I arrived a my friends house, lets call his Dez as that's his name, I was handed a glass of clear liquid and some beers. Worried what the liquid was and not really wanting to taste I decided to do the noble thing: down it in one without it touching my lips or taste buds. It turned out it was really strong vodka (about 55% vol I believe) which made me want to be sick. To prevent this I washed it down with a full bottle of red wine and about 6 bottles of beer. All I can remember after that was shouting at my mate Colin to "Get the fuck off my seat you skinny, dying off, excuse for a human". My seat was a weight bench. Thankfully I did not try to press any weights or I would probably not be here right now...
Next I remember puking green slime into a large punch bowl and asking if anyone wanted some.
After this I decided it was time to return home but OH NOES!! my mum might thing I had been drinking as my breath reeked of booze. The solution: run out onto the street and leap onto some lass about 10 years my senior and gracefully steal one of her polo mints. I somehow managed to steal the one she was eating! How I done that I never know.

Cue me staggering down to my house, jober as a sudge and attempting to get my key into the tiny excuse for a keyhole for about 10 minutes before realising the door was open. Stunned mother in shock at the state of me.

Then comes the immortal line: "HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING??"

Response: me falling up my stairs before puking all down my back (No idea..)

My God I have never had a hangover like the one I had the next morning. It lasted for about a week.

I shall never apologise for length or girth. Your mom loves it!!

(Thu 13th Apr 2006, 12:35, More)

» Cheap Tat

I paid B3TA some of my hard earned cash and all I got was a lousy cock next to my name!!!
(Fri 4th Jan 2008, 11:48, More)

» Messing with the Dark Side

Not quite spooky but...
....Derek Ogilvie came to my house and told me my cat was able to see dead people. Two of which frequent our house. (The story made it into the Daily Star!) My wife also sees them wandering about, scares the shit out of her. She was told she will have her full Psychic powers within the next five years...should be fun. I feel an Odd Thomas moment coming on. (Dean Koontz character, sees dead folks)

Oh, and my cat apparantly doesn't like me swearing in front of it. So I called it a cunt.

It bit me.

Cunting Cat
(Thu 20th Apr 2006, 12:50, More)

» Out of my depth

I grew up in a small, rough housing estate called Bonhill (near Loch Lomond, Scotland) which was teeming with chavs and junkies. One day a skinhead chav threatened asked me if I wanted 'plugged' with his shotgun (told you it was rough) I plainly replied "er...not really"
Little did he realise that my brother-in-law is one of the meanest and hardest man-bears in the area. Cue my big-bro knocking his door and yanking both him and his friend up with a firm had round each of their necks and explained that I was a nice guy who IS NOT to be harrassed. (I only discovered this after skinhead apologised profusely to me upon our next meeting)

Out of my depth? He wishes!!!


Tis all
(Sun 17th Oct 2004, 9:15, More)

» Embarrassing Injuries

I am a keen bmx fan but dont have one myself do I asked to borrow my brother-in-laws for a few mins to show my 'skills' After hurtling down a not-really-that-steep slope I swa the bike flash past my right eye. Realising I was no longer on the BMX I curled up into a ball, skidded 20 ft along concrete, ripped open my right elbow, left shoulder and whacked my head off of the pavement. When I came to I realised that I had also pissed myself as well! Huzzah!! 4 days off work, unable to move and cool scars to show to the kid. Here is a pic of the injury the day after. To make matters worse, this happened on my 21st birthday!!
(Fri 3rd Sep 2004, 23:42, More)
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