b3ta.com user TheManofScience
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Adopted Geordie.

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» Now, there was no need for that...

Hospitals.. No Need
Many moons ago, a lad i knew, we'll call him Gary, for that was his name did drink copious amount and vanish from a night out. He re-appeared the next day limping with 2 bent ankles. Turned out he'd wandered into a city centre multi story car park then tried to 'take a short cut' off the 2nd floor.

2 broken ankles, 1 broken leg, 2 broken arms and a broken back. Him in almost comedy full body cast, alá Carry On style.. Needless to say, he didn't want to park his lunch. EVER - Cause he wasn't allowed to get up, they'd just roll him over and slide a board underneath him for him to 'defecate' onto. 7 days i think he lasted before he though he was going explode turds from his ears. Anyways, the nurse had to be present to 'check for normal stools' - and she brought a handful of trainees. Who took it in turns to help wipe his arse once he'd laid the largest chod in history onto the 'turd tray'

No Need.
(Fri 17th Jun 2005, 9:57, More)

» Bastard Colleagues

The Tourette's Kid
I shan't mention his name as he's a fellow geek and probably frequents this board, but i worked with him at a IT firm who supported GP Software. He wasn't a wanker or owt but still, well worth a mention.

It was 5 or 6 years ago, we were (for some unknown reason) bang into those old fashioned british sitcom type shows - 'On the buses', 'Carry on thingy', etc and would all regulary reel off lines to each other to relieve the boredom, our favourorite character always being Jack Douglas's character - the twitchy one! Carry On girls being a personal fav, he tries to help an old lady over the road and FFFWWYWAAYYYYY, GGGUURRRN you get the idea!

Clicky the youtube, you'll see what i mean www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJVmecTLQ0k

This lad started, and he had a blatant tick and being an office full of basically kids - we laughed behind his back mercilessly. He was like me a smoker so we'd often be out the back door for a crafty fag, he's offer a light and more than once or twice i'd get a lighter in my eye as he'd spaz out.

His chin would stick out, he'd make a joey type sound, his elbow would flap like a chicken, it was constant amusment for us - he once even managed to nut the toilet door and spark himself out. Brilliant!

1 of the lads was on a training course with him, he said it was the worst day of his life, Twitchy was in front of him, gurning away for 6 hours during an SQL talk, he sat behind literally pissing his pants, red faced, trying not to laugh as he FFWWWAAAAYYYYYY, NNNNNGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH and flapped his arms infront of him for all that time.

Brilliant. He was just like Jack Douglas, i can remember him now "Would you like a FFFFWWWAYYYYYYYYY NNNNGGGGGHHNNNN light?"
(Fri 25th Jan 2008, 10:22, More)

» Hotel Splendido

The True Budget Inn, Hull
Sweet god alive - this story is legendary AND 100% True - I'm sure someone else has bound to have stayed here.

Stag Do to Hull about 4 or 5 years ago, Mini bus with about 25 Gerodies on, the hotel had been selected for it's cheapness - £15 a head if i remember correctly - how bad can it be? it'll have a bed - that'll do. how wrong we were...

Think that film 'Hostel' - that was the part of town it was in, so we turned up, It looks from the outside like a cross between a 1950's formica factory and an insane asylum. Red brick, cheap rotten windows, hand painted sign. Inside, it's like a big insane asylum once again, 1 long corridoor down the middle painted white, rooms off either side, it stinks and looks like a hospital. There's speakers up and down the corridoor blarring out scouse house - it's 2pm in the afternoon. We book in to be told "there's strippers lads at 6pm in the function room" - ohh it's looking up maybe!

The Rooms - Most rooms were like hospital rooms, with enough space for 2 beds in each, except there were 4 beds in each room - As you do, you go look around your mates bedrooms to compare your facilities;

(*) Room Number 1 - All beds pushed together, filthy bed sheets and empty bottles of baby oil everywhere.

(*) Room Number 2 - All bed clothes on the floor covered in sick, buckets next to 2 of the beds - full of sick. It stinks of piss.

(*) Room Number 3 - Someone had shit the bed then wiped there arse on 1 of the bed sheets. The room stunk of piss

(*) Room Number 4 - Beds together again, sheets covered in blood. Pissy smell again.

and so it went on... "We haven't cleaned yet" we were told. no shit. We all decide at that point we're 1) going to pull some local and stay at hers 2) we're going to stay up all night and not go near the beds.

The Function Room 6pm - Turns out it's the reception/bar/breakfast room/kitchen all in 1. The stripper was beyond belief. Nasty and rubbish. After a short while of pleasuring herself with an old and well used vibrator, she called the stag over and promptly shoved it in HIS gob - 50% of the audience dry heaved at that point. I Think most of us left half way through the show. So we head out into Hull for the main show.

Most of us return between 3 and 4am to find the music STILL being pumped thru the speakers so we head back to the breakfast area and decide to play cards for the next 5 hours till it's home time, powered by coke, speed and a few pills. The most horrific thing was around 8am, a couple came down for their breakfast, complete with 1 year old in high chair, sit on the table next to us and start eating a full english?!?!?!? THEY STAYED HERE?!?! What must have they thought coming down to breakfast to sit next to a table full of pilled up idiots playing cards, smoking and swearing?!?! i felt so sorry for them - but why did they stay? it's horrific? ON HOLIDAY?

the mini bus left around 8:30. I've never felt so dirty.
(Fri 18th Jan 2008, 9:40, More)

» Oldies vs Computers

Doctors are Wankers
Monday morning, technical support line for GP Surgery Software, dithering angry Shipman type doctor rings up from some Manchester surgery, shouting and generally being an arse as ALL doctors are, conversation goes like this :

Me : Whats the..
Doctor : You lot are usless, i can never get a straight answer, can you help me?
Me : Whats the..
Doctor : phah, i knew i was wasting my time, wot wot, don't you know who i am?
Me : Not yet, Whats the..
Doctor : don't get uppety with me, i want to to fix my problem..
Me : Whats the..

yada yada yada, 10 minutes pass while he bitches and moans about the shit level of service he gets, etc, finally...

Me : Whats the problem sir?
Doctor : No-one can log on to the server, can u see what the problem is?
Me : Whats on the server screen at the moment?
Doctor : How am i supposed to know? you're the technician.
Me : i just need you to check whats on the screen to help me with diagnosis
Doctor : dear lord, it's in a locked office, how inconvienient this is, i'll have to get the key

yada yada yada another 10 minutes while he gets the equally snotty receptionist to find a key, who's also bitching about us in the background until..

Doctor : right, we have a key, lets see......
Me : Hello?
Me : Hello?
Doctor : Right *sheepishly* we've found the problem, we've had a break in. the server is missing.

There was then another 25 minute conversation while i tried to explain "no, we couldn't get your appointment data as it was ON the server that was now in the boot of some charvers' Nova in Manchester somewhere and that it wasn't a good practice to leave your BACKUP tapes IN the server....

Happy Days
(Mon 25th Sep 2006, 15:05, More)

» Child Labour

Pre-Packed Sandwich Converyor Belt... horrific
Temp job one summer to earn cash, me and a mate at a factory that made those pre packed sandwiches you see in supermarkets, garage forecourts, etc.

It was only something like £2 per hour BUT we did get the full hygene get-up for nowt - plastic wellies, beard net, yada yada yaday - our job? near the end of the conveyor, just before they were cut by a huge circular saw - we were 'cheese straighteners' - basically make sure the cheese was evenly spread in the sandwich. Me and my mates just laughed at each other across the conveyor belt... and this conveyor moves fast. AND it doesn't stop for 4 hours till u get your break. At this point, around 30% of the staff on the belt would faint due to motion sickness from watching it move for 4 hours straight...

I did get promoted to 'eggs' once.. basically put a whole boiled egg on the slice of bread as it went past... it was heaven. Till my box of boiled eggs was empty. i had to find another... by then, 30 slices of bread had gone past.

Those biddies at the end of the conveyor took it all so serious and their cries will live with me forever... "GET THE FUCKING CHEESE STRAIGHT!" or "THERE'S AN EGG MISSING - GET ME AN EGG, GGEETT MMEE AANN EEGG QUICK!"
(Wed 22nd Feb 2006, 11:42, More)
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