b3ta.com user <somethingfunny>
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I AM the Law!

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» Lost...

Stupid brain...
After a entire day's worth of drinking to celebrate a friend's birthday and our last day at university together before going back home to the dole queue, young JimBob was quite "refreshed" and felt the need to be sick outside a pub. I decided to do this in comfort, so sat/lay/slumped down onto the kerb.

Much spewing later, methinks it'd be a good idea to go home before I die, so I drag myself back to my pit.

Next day, I find I've lost my jeans; and not even in the "threw them off trying to undress myself" or "some bummer's stolen them after, well, bumming me" kinda way, the bastards just weren't to be found anywhere in the house. What made it worse was the fact my parents were coming to pick me up within the hour, and I sure as hell wasn't going home without my jeans (they were my favourite pair).

I damn near tore that house limb from limb looking, with my parents finally helping me in that "you stupid boy, what've you been up to" way that parents do.

I received a phone call three months later from my ex-landlord asking if the jeans he'd found in the freezer were mine. I'd apparently sat in some gum while hoiking my guts up, and had a moment of clarity when I got home and put them in the freezer to get it off.

Not a great story, I know, but so fucking what. I make no apologies for length, shitness, or missing of point.
(Fri 3rd Dec 2004, 10:26, More)

» Not Losing Your Virginity

Oh so close...
Picture the scene if you will; halfway through their second year at university ('99), my best mate and his uni pals decided to hold a Millenium Bash at their student house, and invite a barrel-load of people, myself included. I wasn't at university at the time because I was/am a lazy cunt, but often took the train to see him, and also to get occasional surreptitious tops and fingers off one of his housemates who was a particularly hot blonde bit (who we'll call Lucy, and also had a boyf who lived in said house with said mate).

It had transpired that the boyf wasn't able to attend the party, so it had been taken as read that I would be able to finally seal the deal and nail Lucy, thereby confirming her infidelity and finally tearing off and burning my V-plates. This overconfidence would prove to be instrumental in my downfall...

Being the Millenium, it was obviously seen as necessary to drink more than we'd ever drunk before, as the world was destined to end at the stroke of midnight. This meant that I wasn't being my usual charming, witty, erudite self in my attempts to coerce this young minx to bed; basically, I was falling all over myself by 11 o'clock, and it was looking increasingly unlikely that a) I would be concious come the end of the world, and b) that I'd get to fuck Lucy bandy. I could see that things weren't entirely going to plan, so I stopped myself from drinking anymore to ensure I could get my act together and do the deed once the chimes had gone.

Come midnight, I'm as shocked as anyone to find I'm still standing, at which point Lucy took me by the hand and led me to an upstairs bedroom. My brain registered this and set about firing all cylinders to get me up to speed; tongues were entwined, clothes were torn off, boobs were inexpertly manhandled. I was good to go. A condom was duly applied and pokeage scheduled to begin, and after a few false starts, I was away.

My inept fumblings had somehow led to me sticking a finger into her unprepared back chute; the withdrawal of the digit presented me with a nugget of shit, but by this time I was far too excited to finally be conkers-deep in a real-life lady to even think about stopping. Thankfully, she seemed to be enjoying herself, things were getting more and more slippery and ecstatic moans were forthcoming. I, however, was getting nowhere. As rock-hard as I was, the booze had taken its toll and I wasn't gonna cough my filthy yoghurt for love nor money. After a good hour of rutting, I was actually forced to fake my own orgasm if only so I could go to sleep, therefore (in my mind) meaning the V-plates I was so ready to tear up remained in pristine condition.

Still, three months later, she was still my first, and when I did finally spaff with her in the vicinity, it was three times in one night. Woo for me.

Length? Nothing to be proud of, but fuck me it'll do the business.
(Mon 30th Oct 2006, 12:39, More)

» Petty Sabotage

Whenever people ask me for directions to somewhere, I invariably have no idea, so rather than simply and politely say "I'm sorry, I don't know", I send them in a direction that I can only hope ends up with them being hopelessly lost. What are they gonna do? Find me? They're lost, and *I* know where I'm going!
(Wed 4th May 2005, 20:22, More)

» Out of my depth

In. Too. Deep.
Imagine the scene. JimBob's a first year at uni. He's not much of a weed smoker but, "hey everyone else is doing it!" I'd managed to go a good couple of months into my first term shirking away from it, mainly through the fear of ending up like Zammo after my first toke, but the opportunity finally arose.

A female friend from halls had one of her supremely hot mates come up and visit her for the weekend, at the same time her stoner boyfriend decided to come and hang out.

Now obviously, I wanted to get a piece of the hot mate, so my twisted logic told me that she would be mightily impressed if I smoked a joint in front of her. She'd think "Wow, he's dangerous, "I'd best do it with him" At least that's what I thought.

Less than half a dozen massive tokes, JimBob starts to flip out. I'm slurring at her how much I fancy her, before I get that rising feeling in my tummy. I forcibly shove her off the bed we're sitting on to spew in the hall, then crawling part way towards my room where I ended up laying, shivering until the following morning.

I don't smoke much weed these days. Or talk to many girls.
(Tue 19th Oct 2004, 11:15, More)

» How I Skive Off Work

My preferred method of skiving...
...involves me mainly staring into the middle distance. Not necessarily a skive, but you'll be surprised how little people question my innate lack of productivity...
(Fri 29th Apr 2005, 20:51, More)
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