Oh so close...
Picture the scene if you will; halfway through their second year at university ('99), my best mate and his uni pals decided to hold a Millenium Bash at their student house, and invite a barrel-load of people, myself included. I wasn't at university at the time because I was/am a lazy cunt, but often took the train to see him, and also to get occasional surreptitious tops and fingers off one of his housemates who was a particularly hot blonde bit (who we'll call Lucy, and also had a boyf who lived in said house with said mate).

It had transpired that the boyf wasn't able to attend the party, so it had been taken as read that I would be able to finally seal the deal and nail Lucy, thereby confirming her infidelity and finally tearing off and burning my V-plates. This overconfidence would prove to be instrumental in my downfall...

Being the Millenium, it was obviously seen as necessary to drink more than we'd ever drunk before, as the world was destined to end at the stroke of midnight. This meant that I wasn't being my usual charming, witty, erudite self in my attempts to coerce this young minx to bed; basically, I was falling all over myself by 11 o'clock, and it was looking increasingly unlikely that a) I would be concious come the end of the world, and b) that I'd get to fuck Lucy bandy. I could see that things weren't entirely going to plan, so I stopped myself from drinking anymore to ensure I could get my act together and do the deed once the chimes had gone.

Come midnight, I'm as shocked as anyone to find I'm still standing, at which point Lucy took me by the hand and led me to an upstairs bedroom. My brain registered this and set about firing all cylinders to get me up to speed; tongues were entwined, clothes were torn off, boobs were inexpertly manhandled. I was good to go. A condom was duly applied and pokeage scheduled to begin, and after a few false starts, I was away.

My inept fumblings had somehow led to me sticking a finger into her unprepared back chute; the withdrawal of the digit presented me with a nugget of shit, but by this time I was far too excited to finally be conkers-deep in a real-life lady to even think about stopping. Thankfully, she seemed to be enjoying herself, things were getting more and more slippery and ecstatic moans were forthcoming. I, however, was getting nowhere. As rock-hard as I was, the booze had taken its toll and I wasn't gonna cough my filthy yoghurt for love nor money. After a good hour of rutting, I was actually forced to fake my own orgasm if only so I could go to sleep, therefore (in my mind) meaning the V-plates I was so ready to tear up remained in pristine condition.

Still, three months later, she was still my first, and when I did finally spaff with her in the vicinity, it was three times in one night. Woo for me.

Length? Nothing to be proud of, but fuck me it'll do the business.
( <somethingfunny> hasn't said anything funny since, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 12:39, Reply)