» My Worst Vomit

"I don't remember eating THAT..."
OK - So: when I were a lad I used to go scuba diving in the local pool, and after I had lugged the stupidly heavy kit back home we'd all head for the nearest pub and have a few with the lads.

Now then: I was about 14 then, and everyone else was about 21, so when I decided to try and keep up with them I very soon got worse for wear: so I left and cycled home (leaning against a wall no less, and falling over when the wall stopped and I didn't....).

When I got in I thought that fried egg sarnies were the order of the day and proceeded to fry up a couple. The first one went down a treat and really settled my stomach, and I should've known to leave it there - but I had cooked it and so I was damn well gonna eat it....

I woke up about 3 in the morning, sat bolt up right and projectile vomited ALL over my bed, bed room, walls, window and door... and on the poor Labrador dog sleeping at the end of the bed.

To this day I thank god I had the prescence of mind to look at the poor mutt - vomit dripping off her face - and say "I don't remember eating that!"

Unfortunately this provoked a fit of hysterical laughter, which provoked more heaves, so I thought "I'll get THIS fecker in the bog" and ran for it - through the pool of vomit of course - down the corridor - gorge rising all the time - and in perfect sync kicked the door open just as the chunder rose, and in a perfect arc from the door got it right on target to the bog....

... where the FECKING seat was down! - and you know how water splashes when you put a spoon under the tap upside down? - that's what happened.

And it wasn't helped when mum came out of her room, eyed the mess with disgust and said "You're cleaning all that up yourself"
(Fri 20th Aug 2004, 8:51, More)

» Obscure Memorabilia

The infamous "Love Lane" signs
Back in the days of Uni (ahh, Aston! Sweet bride of my alcoholic youth!) there was a road on the way home called...

.. wait for it...

"Love Lane"

Now in my opinion that is just asking for it, and so The Mission became to nick all possible signs. One of them was welded onto a canal bridge and despite the best efforts of heavy duty drills and being held by the ankles by burly brothers it was going nowhere.

The others were attached far too flimsily: one of them was nowhere near the main road and so was in my bedroom within a day - but the other was on a main road opposite a pub (the Pot of Beer back then - then it was the Faculty and Firkin and I think it is the Gosta Green now)... and so I waited until a) it was really late at night b) pissing down with rain and c) I was pissed out of my gourd... so - the next evening then...

I proceeded to climb the 10 foot pole and I was shaking the sign free from it's attachments like a deranged gibbon on some serious uppers... when a panda car cruises past.... you could hear the thoughts coming from their beetle-brows...
"what's he doin'?"
"only nickin' a sign..."
"ok then - just leave it.. it ain't worth the bother!"

So they cruised past with me hanging from a 10 foot sign attemtpting an innocent grin!

Ah - happy days!
(Tue 9th Nov 2004, 13:39, More)

» Posh

Not me - an ex-girlfriends family....
I was seeing this girl once: she was drop dead gorgeous with a really cool family, but there was no two ways about it: she was POSH: her family must've been two or three social classes higher than me...

Not that it bothered me - but it was dead funny one time....

You see I went down to see her in Dorking (told ya she was posh!) to stay at the families 10 bedroom MANSION and I was on my way back. I was pulled over by the rozzers for driving a lower class car (a beat up mini) in an upper-middle class area (the aforementioned Dorking)

So: smirking git of a copper sticks his head in the window and says "where've you been tonight, sir?" (and hinting "and where's the swag you've just looted then?) - to which I reply "With my girlfriend: the local Justice of the Peace's daughter... wanna phone him up to confirm it? - here's his personal number: I bet he will be WELL pleased to hear from you at this time of the night.... in fact I expect he will bring it up with the Chief Constable when he plays golf with him in the morning...."

Never seen a copper so quick to wave me on!!!
(Tue 20th Sep 2005, 14:19, More)

» Beautiful Moments

Sad old geezer here with a son .....
It's gotta be when they bought my son out to see me for the first time after the emergency c-section on the missus.....

All the way through the pregnancy all of the old wives tales had insisted she was carrying a girl; we didn't find out the sex on the scans, since we were looking forward to the surprise.

Then the due date comes... and goes... and then she goes in to be induced... and three days later labour starts: 24 hours of pain later the baby is still a no-show: the diminutive nurse looks at the bab's heart rate, says "the baby's in distress: he's coming out NOW: dad - sit THERE and wait."

So I did..... now our birth plan called for me to lift the baby onto the wife's chest when it was born and then announce the sex to her... well - the nurses must've read that plan, cos' even though we didn't follow it, they brought him out, all wrapped up, and said "Unwrap your baby...'

So I did... and cried in delight when I saw it was a boy - my first words were "fuckin' 'ell son! - you had us all thinkin' you was a girl!"

And then I held him.... now THAT is Beautiful Moment Number One...
(Fri 11th Mar 2005, 10:19, More)

» Petty Sabotage

There used to be a bit of software on the Mac called "SimPig"...
And all it did was to simulate the varied and interesting gastic life of a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig....

.... which means in plain English that it made a lot of farting, belching and grunting sounds, and it was one of those things that just made me crease up in hysterical laughter EVERY time I heard it.

So: one day whilst in an unguarded Mac lab, I installed it on all 16 machines and turned the volume way up... childish I know but I nearly wet myself with laughter!
(Thu 5th May 2005, 9:38, More)