» Sexual fetishes

Good clean family fun
A couple of months back my sister and I decided to give old dear old nan a visit, because we're nice like that, for a cup of tea and a natter. Usual nan stuff.

After going through the usual inanities of her filling us in with what every other member of the family is up to and so on, we somehow ended up on the subject of The War (WW2, that is), and the whole American "we came over and saved your asses" sort of view, to which I made a throwaway comment along the lines of, "well, all them American squaddies did was come here and 'see to' the wives of fellas who were off in Europe".

I expected to be told not to be so silly, but then my nan replied, "oh yes, a lot of women sold their bodies to get a bit of extra money". Oh yes nan?

"Yes, in fact my friend Helen's mum used to do it!"

...right...

"But no one held it against her, it was sort of a done thing back then."

Fair enough, I think, also presuming she'd leave it and start back on about my aunt's flu or something. But no.

"I remember me and me sister June went to Helen's one day but no-one answered the door, so we went round and looked in through the window, and there was Helen's mum, up on the table, dancing around completely naked, and these two Americans..."

She paused for a chuckle, my sister and I look at each other nervously...

"...they were running around the table, slapping her on the bum with dead fish!"


Bloody American squaddies, coming over here and hitting our housewives with fish.
(Thu 22nd Oct 2009, 18:47, More)

» School fights

FIGHT CLUB! FIGHT CLUB!
Ah, room 12...

Room 12 was the form room of 10H, and also doubled as Mr Brown's music room. Because of this, there was various musical equipment and other large heavy things to play around with. Some of our favourite games were Put Johnny In The Grand Piano, Drop Johnny Off A Table On His Head, and Pin Johnny In Between The Filing Cabinet And The Wall Then Run Into Him. There was also the fire extinguisher which was put to great use, such as lying it on it's side next to a filing cabinet, then using the upright piano to push in the lever, firing the extinguisher and sending it off spiralling into the room. Great stuff.

However, the highlight of the week was always Friday lunchtime. The curtains would all be drawn and the lights turned out, then all the desks and chairs would be pushed to the edges of the room to create a large space in the centre of the room. Everyone then removed their shoes, jackets and ties, much like in Fight Club, then patiently wait by the edge of the room.

Mark Curling would then get behind the grand piano and start playing a long fanfare-type intro. However, no one moved until the proper music kicked in. As we waited for this, the tension and anticipation was electric. Mark would then start playing The Entertainer, at which point EVERYONE in the room ran into the centre of the room and beat the crap out of each other, usually ending in Rowlands or Bradley getting cut in the facial area, because Rowlands was fat and Bradley was The School Goth. One particularly memorable moment was when I jumped on Jack, sending us both to the floor, at which point Manji ran across the room and kneed me in the side of the head. Another was when Martin stood on one of the tables at the side of the room and sprayed the CO2 fire extinguisher into the crowd. I seem to remember it tasting like Orange Tango.
(Fri 10th Mar 2006, 14:37, More)

» Terrible Parenting

My dad's a joker;
One of my most distinct childhood memories comes from when I was about six or so. There I was, sitting on the toilet, merrily pooing away, when my dad bursts in. My dad then proceeds to push down on my head so I go down into the bowl, with my legs stuck up in the air, and flushes the toilet.

I can really vividly remember looking up at his grinning face whilst I pleaded away, him laughing all the while. He laughs when I remind him of this incident now, and freely admits doing it for his own personal amusement.

This is the same man who'd pick me up upside down, trapping my arms, and lower me down head first towards the toilet bowl, much to my screaming displeasure and his own amusement, though he claims not to remember that.
(Thu 16th Aug 2007, 13:25, More)

» Stupid Tourists

When I was in Mexico,
me and my friend met a group of lovely young American girls who were fascinated by our English ways. Among the questions we were asked were:
"Do you have black people in England?"

"Do you celebrate Independence Day/Thanksgiving?"

"Do you take the luge to school?" (She meant the tube)

"Do all your girl friends have babies?" (After explaining that Essex has the highest teen pregnancy rate in England)

My mum also sat next to an American woman on a plane who, confused by her UHT milk, asked the stewardess what kind of animal a "yoot" is.
(Thu 7th Jul 2005, 16:55, More)

» The Onosecond

Not me, but my mum.
My mum was texting her friend last week to rearrange a meeting they were going to have, as her and my nan were burying my grandad's ashes on that day.

Unfortunately, my mum wasn't paying attention to what she was writing, and through predictive text managed to tell her friend that she was "currying my dad's ashes".
(Thu 26th May 2005, 16:52, More)