» Pure Ignorance

Whilst on the London Underground
I saw a mouse (where, there on the stair....I digress) down by the tracks. I also overheard an american tourist telling his girlfriend that it was "a possum". I'd love to say this is the only time that American tourists have been stupid.

I also heard some american tourists whilst I was stood between the two cathedrals in coventry. One old guy said to his wife "Gee, how come they bombed this one, but this one is okay?"

Shall I end there?

In a curry house. American tourists on the table next to us. "Are those naan breads as in vietNAM?"

And they wonder why the world has a dim view of them.
(Fri 7th Jan 2005, 17:30, More)

» Heckles

Knives
I was called on stage to help a guy juggle knives. My job was to throw them to him and he would juggle. Dead easy. Cept for the beer. I figured that if I could chuck it and spin it (not end over end), it would be easier to catch. However, I got hold of it a little better than I thought and nearly stabbed him in the legs.
Respect though, he asked me to try again, and did manage to juggle when I chucked him the knife the second time.

The reason I submit this under "heckling", is that there was a guy called Grant who sometimes came to these comedy nights at Warwick Uni, and he heckled everyone. He was tall, long haired and a cunt. I was hoping someone would be able to tell me that he's still a cunt.
(Wed 12th Apr 2006, 3:47, More)

» Shit Stories

Staying at a guest house in Bournemouth
I did a terrifically beery shit when we got back from a club. I flushed, but It was still stuck to the sides of the bog and was a sight to behold. I thought it would be amusing to show my mate, but it was three in the morning. Anyhoo, I went and knocked on his door, and he opened it bleary eyed. It was then that I found out I was so drunk I couldn't actually speak properly and he didn't understand what I wanted him to do by my gestures, so he shut the door in my face.
That's when I noticed that my door had shut and locked and I was in just my pants on a landing in a guest house in bournemouth.
No problem, tho, I went to another mate staying in another room and knocked on his door. Half asleep he said "Come in", so I did and slept on his floor. Thing is, he'd forgotten that he'd pulled that night, so I got the sight of some decent breasts that night too. In the morning I made him go down and get a spare key for my room.
(Thu 6th May 2004, 10:47, More)

» Best Comebacks

My Dad
(not a retort in itself, btw) Anyhoo, my pa once told me of a conversation at his place of work which went like this:

Fireman 1 (oh yeah, my dad's a fireman): I won't be in tomorrow, boss, I'm going to a funeral.
Fireman 2: I'm sorry. Family was it?
Fireman 1: No, a friend.
Fireman 3 (thinking he was funny): I thought you didn't have any friends.
Fireman 1: I don't now.

Apparently it was done without thinking, and really embarrassed fireman 3, but now I type it, it seems apocryphal, really. Forget I mentioned it.
(Fri 30th Apr 2004, 19:20, More)

» Stupid Tourists

Coventry Cathedrals
My ex girlfriend overheard two americans standing between Coventry's two cathedrals:

"Gee, how come they managed to bomb this one, but they missed this one?"
(Sun 10th Jul 2005, 19:11, More)