b3ta.com user the nightmare of cake
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» Accidentally Erotic

Oh, hospitals are good for accidentally erotic moments.
Thinking I might have appendicitis, I rushed down to casualty, only to find the doctor was really young and quite ridiculously attractive. And he has to spend about ten minutes pressing at and rubbing his hands across my stomach. Closest thing I'd come to sex in a long time and I got far too excited with the whole ordeal. At least until he started asking me about my 'stools'.
(Thu 2nd Feb 2006, 16:07, More)

» Pathological Liars

Oh God.
I dated a pathalogical liar. His stories included :

- Being raped by a girl
- Being allergic to meat, but being given an injection by the doctor to increase the acidity of his stomach, thus vapourising the meat before it could cause a reaction
- Claiming to have hand-carved me a figurine of a cat that looked suspiciously identical to one my father bought at a market some weeks later

I also attended college with the biggest bullshitter in the world, who once claimed that he sang on stage with Westlife and Steps at Wembley - why anyone would make that up is beyond me. He also told us that, being Welsh, he was great friends with the guys from Dirty Sanchez. Because everyone in Wales knows those guys, natch. On the subject of his Welshness, he also claimed Wales was better than England because 'it had its own language'. Way to go, champ.

Another classic compulsive liar was a friend of an ex of mine. He once informed them that he knew a guy who had a slit cut in his leg to store a knife in.

Oh, and one of my childhood friends told me her absent father was actually British Bulldog, the wrestler. I believed that for bloody years until I finally met her dad.
(Mon 3rd Dec 2007, 21:42, More)

» Shame

Not one of my brightest ideas.
I was in Rome on a sightseeing trip, staying in a lovely little hostel who were, in fact, the toppermost because they provided free alcohol. The night before a day trip to Pompeii, I decided to take advantage of said free booze and get absolutely plastered. Not only did I get this one lad to teach me how to say 'cunt' in German, I proceeded to shout it at the top of my voice to everyone in the hostel. Then, I staggered into my room, singing at the top of my voice and waking all the sorority girls who were sleeping. They were NOT pleased, I can assure you.

Anyway, the next morning was where the true shame starts. The trip to Pompeii is quite a long 'un and it was only about halfway to Naples that the hangover truly kicked in. The swaying of the train? Did not help at all. I'd fallen asleep, woke up feeling like death and puked down my shirt a little. My mate was blissfully unaware, listening to her iPod and would NOT move to let me out of my seat until I practically shoved past, staggering over to the toilets... Only to find them locked. I panic, turn around to find myself face-to-face with some old Italian geezer who's eye I meet just seconds before I throw up all over the floor. I slur something about being 'very ill' whilst he looks on in horror as I lurch back down the train, trying for the other toilets and vomitting on a seat along the way before finding my pukefest was done for now. Nearly everyone on that train walked through my vomit upon disembarking. I, however, sensibly used the other exit.

THIS STORY IS STILL NOT THROUGH! Connecting train from Naples to Pompeii? I vomit out of the window just as we pull into Pompeii station, thus ensuring I have an audience to witness my chundering.
(Tue 29th Nov 2005, 22:11, More)

» Obscure Memorabilia

Oh dear.
I have a Nutrigrain bar I was thrown at an Offspring concert. Bloody thing stinks now, yet I can't bring myself to throw it away.

Also, I have a peg that was worn on the face of Gary Stretch, the world record holder for pegs on face madness. Oh, and it's signed. I met him and he let me pull the loose skin on his stomach. Best day ever.
(Thu 4th Nov 2004, 21:34, More)

» Sleepwalking

Ah, the joys of sleeping.
When I was younger, I was much more inclined to wander around the house at night. Highlights including screaming at my sister when she wouldn't furnish me with a glass of water at 2AM and waking up in my bed in a hostel, clutching a bottle of water and my toothbrush as if life depended on it.

Nowadays, I'm more likely to be found talking nonsense or doing things in the comfort of my own bed. I scared the shit out of my visiting friend by sitting bolt upright in bed, staring into space and murmuring gibberish before suddenly dropping back down to sleep. Recently, my boyfriend woke up to find me pointing at the window in our bedroom, offering no explanation. I'll also hold perfectly sensible conversations with people whilst fast asleep, which used to make being 'woken' for school by my mum a bit of a joke.

I also have sleep apnea, which scared the shit out of my bloke the first time he witnessed it - basically, I stop breathing at random whilst sleeping. Cue bloke shitting himself, thinking I've died when a good twenty seconds has passed with no signs of breathing, before I suddenly start gasping for breath like a long distance swimmer and then continue to sleep peacefully. I looked it up on wikipedia; apparently, it's often caused by having a seriously fat neck which conjures up enough hilarious mental images to stop me being too afraid of, y'know, dying as I sleep.
(Fri 24th Aug 2007, 12:23, More)
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