b3ta.com user Biggus Dickus
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President of the Internet

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» Toilets

Oh man, I can't believe I'm relating this one...
Legless's Barium Shit story reminded me of the last time I was.. uh.. clogged up. The easily squeamed may wish to look away now.

To this day I don't know what happened, but for some reason I was having problems producing anything one morning. I could feel something lurking in there ready to emerge but the bloody thing just would fit through the exit. Immense pain, cold sweats, tensing and relaxing, mild panic, dear lord in heaven please don't leave me looking like Mr. Goatse!

After wondering if a trip to casualty was in order, I hit upon the bright idea of cutting it up with a fork handle. I wiped up what little I'd managed and waddled into the kitchen (feeling dainty at this point) and selected the thinnest handled fork I could fine - a spare from the old set no longer used. Back in the toilet I stuck the handle up my arse into... omg... a solid lump. Oh my god.

I waggled it a bit, and could feel the entire mass turning slowly within my bowels. It was the most disturbing thing I have ever experienced. Somehow, while my eyes streamed tears of pain, panic and probably shame, I managed to draw and quarter the bastard. A couple of minutes waggling my hips to try and reshape it and I was ready to try again.

Success! (Praise Jebus!) The monstrosity slid out into the tranquil waters of the toilet bowl with nary a wimper, and all was well. I turned to face my vanquished foe (because you just have to, right?) and discovered a flat, tennis-ball-sized lump that was the colour of earwax and the consistency of plasticine. Have you ever tried cutting plasticine? Imagine trying to cut it with a fork handle. While it's up your arse. Oh my.

I threw the fork away. No way was it staying in my house.

Length? It was the width that was giving me problems!
(Fri 2nd Sep 2005, 12:45, More)

» Political Correctness Gone Mad

I did an ecommerce site for a company that sells welding gear. Someone pointed out that the site wasn't optimised for the blind.

Seriously, how many blind welders do you know?
(Fri 23rd Nov 2007, 8:32, More)

» School Sports Day

On a Cross-Country run...
I had some new pants on under my shorts that were a bit big, and I was seriously worried about my willy falling out. Thankfully I got a stiffy on while thinking about the girl's race and the problem went away.
(Thu 30th Mar 2006, 16:26, More)

» Pure Ignorance

Er.. me. Actually.
While in Paris, we ran out of cash. I asked the waiter "You-take-a-da-Visa?".
(Thu 6th Jan 2005, 23:57, More)

» Stupid Tourists

Dayum, lots of Merkin-bashing!
Part of the problem with names/language etc is that the tourists don't even realise that they may need help - the English abroad are just as bad as the Americans. I think the Americans may have a higher percentage of numbnuts because they're just so damned patriotic, and with the Low-IQ tourists this mutates to a kind of arrogance.

Either that, or they're just so loud that you remember them better.


I spent a long weekend in Paris once (met some nice intelligent Americans as it happens), and used my reheated schoolbook French wherever I could - people were very kind and understanding. It all went swimmingly well until we ran out of money and I had to use the credit card to buy a meal - for some reason all I could manage was "You take-a da Visa?"

I've never lived it down.
(Tue 12th Jul 2005, 19:08, More)
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