» Local Nutters

Disco Jeff
...is the 'Top of the bill headliner' mentalist in Bridgwater, Somerset - home town to myself, and quite possibly the highest nutter-to-normal ratio in the country.

Though he has been known to venture into more traditional public nudity and violent assualts, as a rule, Jeff's forte is jogging around town, pretending to be a heavy goods vehicle.

He will happily weave in and out of fast-moving traffic, making diesel engine noises and tooting the horn on his 'rig' all day, come rain or shine. Usually sporting a hand painted t-shirt bearing the witty slogan 'I AM GAY.'

His attention to detail and passion for his art are to be marvelled at. He was once arrested after making it as far as Weston-Super-Mare on the motorway (Inside lane, not hard shoulder), after a flooded road diverted him from his normal route.

My boss can never get to sleep at night on Sundays, because Jeff 'parks' outside his flat with the generator running on his freezer unit (i.e. making a low, growly noise with his throat) ready for the supermarket run on Monday morning.

He also once had a right pop at my Dad for parking in his space outside Curry's. Pa didn't want to end up as a flesh wedding dress, so grudgingly moved his motor and watched as Jeff reversed - beeping all the way - into the space.

Tales of the bald lady who rearanges the chairs in my local whilst nursing a pint bottle of rank, sour milk - and the Ginger mute feller on a bike who spends his entire waking life helping the trolley attendants at Sainsbury's are for another time. Honestly - this town is a veritable Nuttasic Park.
(Thu 16th Sep 2004, 16:09, More)

» Shoddy Presents

Christmas 1995
Aged 13, to set the scene of which stage I was at in my life - other presents included A mountain bike and a massive pair of check trousers with a little fella smoking a spliff on the back pocket. Surely my (genuinley) favourite uncle will come through with something just as cool...Nope... I got this - TRAINS WE LOVED - a big, hardback coffee table book about sodding trains... needless to say - there was a new favourite uncle by boxing day.

Although a bit harsh laughing at senile dementure - I've also got an elderly great-auntie who often got confused as to my exact age and/or sex when buying presents - but I always had to politely thank her "yeah - cheers for the Cindy Lunchbox Aunty Jen - that'll come in dead handy at college"
(Thu 23rd Sep 2004, 10:44, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Maternity Waiting Room
Doctor rushes up to nervous young father-to-be.

Doc: 'Mr Smith, I'm afraid we have good news, and bad news.'

Mr Smith: 'Crikey, better give me the bad news first.'

Doc: 'I'm afraid your baby son is ginger.'

Mr Smith: 'So what's the good news?'

Doc: 'He's dead.'
(Mon 13th Sep 2004, 16:51, More)

» World's Most Hated Food

Fizzy Colgate
It's all in the mind see - I used to really enjoy Root beer, until some helpful minge shared their theorum that it tastes like TOOTHPASTE. Now the thought of it coming anywhere near me makes me gag. Just thought I'd share that... I think a job in the Barq's PR department looms.
(Thu 15th Jul 2004, 11:33, More)