» Neighbours

I'll regret telling the internet this...
But I shared a house with 5 other lads.
I have always been prone to sleepwalking when stressed and I was going through a particularly stressful time in my life dealing with losing family members and having my girlfriend cheat on me.

I woke up for university fairly chipper, wandered in and sat down in the canteen for a bacon sandwich when my mate and his girlfriend came over to confront me.

Apparently I had kicked open his bedroom door in the night, grabbed his girlfriend and tried to pull her out of bed whilst screaming at her before storming out of the room and marching around the house.

This would be the first of odd sleepwalking experiences that saw me wake up to find all of my clothes piled in the shower, outside the house and part way down the street and a few other odd things.

Needless to say I was not the best flatmate to have for a few months.
I'm over the phase now, all is good with the world but still, I will be remembered at uni by several as "the guy that kicks open a door, pulls sleeping girlfriend of friend out of bed whilst calling her a whore"... not the most catchy of nicknames but heh.
(Fri 2nd Oct 2009, 16:40, More)

» Panic Buying

It wasn't me
But my mum went out on Christmas Eve and in the pub she was in a guy came in and showed off a card he had just bought his wife. Somehow the card got passed around and signed by many. I just wish I could find out the reaction of his wife.

Something I did. I bought chocolates for my mum on Mother's Day. Her favourite chocolates... somehow that was apparently wrong and she still brings up that. I have been told by her I should never buy a woman just chocolates. I know plenty of women who'd be happy with just chocolates.
(Sat 31st Dec 2005, 18:59, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Infamous joke (but a long one. Improv)
A man walks into the office of a talent agent, he walks up to the agent and says, "I've got an act for you. It's me and my family and I'd like you to represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The man says, "But, this is really something special, not your normal family act."
The agent says, "Okay, describe it to me in 5 minutes."

So the man begins. "Well, my wife and I run out on stage in clown make up and she begins to juggle 4 live kittens.
Of course my wife isn't a very good juggler so she drops 3 of them and then eats the 4th. Whole. She's got an amazing set of jaws on her.
As she's doing this I've stripped down to my birthday suit and I'm erect because seeing kittens being killed and eaten whole always turns me on. So I go behind me wife and begin to do her from behind. Well, she gets the kitten stuck in her throat and so I have to do it harder to make it come out. It does and it goes flying, normally clears the first few rows and lands on the lap of an audience member. 9 times out of 10 it's still alive.

As soon as the cats gone flying my 12 year old son and 9 year old daughter run across the stage. My daughter of course being on fire. So myself and my son piss on her to put there fire out, we have to drink a lot of fluids before the show and the timing is crucial here, so far though no mess ups. So my daughter is no longer on fire and covered in urine. Of course I love seeing 9 year old girls covered in urine after being on fire so I'm still erect. However I let my son have his way with his sister first. He's young so he busts a nut pretty quick, all over the family dog that has jumped from the ceiling dressed in a Nazi uniform.

It's about this time, as I'm nailing my wife from behind that I need a shit because of the laxative I take before hand. So I shit into a couple of those things you put pies in, still doing my wife. I'm very multi talented. So I get these 4 shit pies lined up, normally a fairly good consistency. Not too runny, I make sure I eat enough solids for it not to be too runny.
I then pull out of my wife and spray my load all over her back before picking up a pie and smashing it into her face.
My son grabs one and pretends to throw it at his mother but throws it at his sister who does a triple front flip landing face first into another pie. Then I get the last pay and launch it into the crowd as far as I can as our dog does the goose step across the stage. So we stand there, covered in shit, clown makeup running a bit and theres normally some blood because of the tightness of my daughter and of course cum. So we stand there naked and then deliver a Barbershop version of 'Baby Got Back' before the lights go down.

The man looks at the agent and says, "Well, that's the act. Do you like it?"
The agent just sits in silence. You could cut it with a knife. Finally, he replies, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
To which the man replies, with an eager grin, "The Sophisticates."
(Fri 24th Feb 2006, 1:12, More)